I've learned one really key piece of success in life recently:
You can only depend upon yourself.I say this not from a cold, broken heart but coming from a place of the opposite. Maybe it's true that you can only really expect someone to love you once you've learned to love yourself. Maybe that's pure bullshit. What I do know is that it's a hell of a lot more fun to be with someone once you've come to terms with yourself. Every day is still a work in progress, but it's better to be 50% there than not even trying.
I was told that eventually I'll find someone in life that doesn't look at me like I'm just the mental and medical baggage I carry around with me. Someone who understand and has empathy for those brief moments where I hate everything or a panic attack sets in. Someone who can help me cope with feeling like the walls are caving in. Eventually, I'll find someone who is okay with the sexual trauma I've dealt with. Someone who acknowledges it, but isn't a terrible person who makes me feel bad for what has happened to me.
Knowing that these two things don't define who I am is a step in the right direction. I am not defined by someone else's actions. I am not defined by someone else's opinion of me. I am only defined by how I see myself - how I think about myself. I have only learned this within the past three weeks. And I learned it from someone that I thank every day that I took a leap of faith with.
I don't believe in faith, luck or any of that bullshit. Things happen for a reason, whether good or bad. You meet people in your life for a reason, even if you can't explain it - even if you can never explain it. People leave your life for the same reason. Trying to come up with reasons for people entering and exiting your life is a waste of energy - and I'm in the business of conserving energy and exerting it on people who matter.
I read through posts on this blog ever so often, and I'm amazed at the people that come and go from my life and the impact they leave on my life. Most of them have been negative individuals that I dodged a bullet with, but there are some that I miss quite dearly. It's a two way street though - people leave because you the door is open, and sometimes I even open the door for them.
It's been a long, long time since I've been content in my life. I almost don't want to jinx it by saying that everything is starting to be okay again. Maybe it will never be 100% okay - but it's hard to really quantify "good" vs "bad". All I know right now is that I wake up not totally disappointed that I'm still alive, so it's a step in the right direction.
