Obviously, there's something wrong with me. Just look at me, my friend circle is as big as my skype list is. These people I call and talk to on a weekly basis, I've never met them. I've never looked them in the eye and said hello. Society tells us that's a bad thing. That if you're sitting in front of your computer, playing a video game, not out on a Saturday night, there's something wrong with you. I've known there was something wrong with me for years now. The way that I can't make friends. The way that this shy-ness that I deal with is a barrier that I'm stuck behind. I've known since my freshman year of college that I was weird.
My freshman year -- when I started this blog, and realized that yeah, I am fucked up. I don't have abide by normal social norms. I don't have that many real-life friends that I can hang out with. In fact, I can't even count ten of them at this college. But you know what, that doesn't bother me until someone else points it out. Until this time, my mother points it out. She's worried for me. It bothers and concerns her that I don't have a social life. What if that's my own choice? What if I'm choosing to stay in. I'm turning people down who want to see me. I'm saying no thank you to going out and being a "normal" college student. What if that was never my scene to begin with. Every time I'm invited out and I actually say sure, I end up feeling completely out of my element. Like, "This is so awkward. Everyone here is drunk and high and I don't fit in."
There are so many more more outgoing, more attractive people in this world than myself. Maybe I'm not right when I say that statement. But, maybe that statement is correct. That statement is what my self-esteem is based off of. Yeah, I don't like myself. I'll even say that in this snapshot in my life, I actually really despise myself. I push away the people I find closest. Those internet friends who are here for me when I don't want to be put out of my element with people I honestly don't give a flying shit about.
My mind has been overrun with thoughts lately. Depressing thoughts like I don't have a future, or I don't know what I'm going to do if I actually graduate. I'm biding my time in this college, hoping I'll die, or something better comes along before I actually have to do something with my life, because at this point in time, this college has sucked every single passion I've ever had out. And replaced it with hatred for the art. Photography was the one thing I actually thought I was good at, but obviously, the photography program here likes to smash dreams and hopes. I left my last photography course realizing instead of being a bad-ass photographer, that I actually don't have shit when it comes to the talent department of being able to take a competent picture. The art program did the same thing. Every single person in any of my art classes was better than I was. They didn't even have to try --- and there I am, working my ass off to come up with something that is borderline-fail. These things that I thought were my passion, and I'm only mediocre, which is going to get me absolutely nowhere in life. That's one thing this school did teach me. I'm not going anywhere in life if I'm not good at what I'm doing. And I'm not good at anything but avoiding people and not going out in public for an entire weekend.
"Tomorrow is a better day", my grandma used to say. In every instance where I've been upset, this statement has made me feel a slightly bit better. But in this instance, this statement does absolutely nothing but make me realize that tomorrow is another day for me to sit here, and think about how I'm a dead-end.
I used to think that maybe I'd be something in life. I made it through my teen years without a STD or an unwanted child. I made it into a college, which incidentally became open-enrollment the year afterwards, so it means absolutely nothing now. I haven't failed any classes in college yet. But, regardless, I try my ass off to be slightly good and stand out, and I end up in the back of the class room with dozens of students out-shining me.
I've been invisible for my entire life. And to some degree, I enjoy it. I don't like everyone knowing who I am. I don't like people bothering me. I like to hide behind the shadows and just glide along with life. Life to me is a lot easier when people don't create drama. When you're invisible, they can't see you to start drama. But lately, I've been feeling like being invisible isn't cutting it. I want to be noticed; I want to be good at something. I want to feel like I'm not a disappointment. Maybe I'm really a disappointment. I've disappointed just about everyone in my life. If I ever make it to graduation, I'm going to disappoint my parents, when I tell them that I still have no idea what I want to do in life. When I tell them that their money was completely wasted, because throughout this college experience, I have yet to find something I'm good at. And I've taken a ton of classes thus far.
I think at this point, I need to stop thriving to be something important, and start coming to reality that I'm a nothing. I have nothing to show, and nothing to give. I have no talent to become famous, rich or notable for. My childhood dreams of being famous are long gone. If I could go back to being ten, I'd never tell myself that one day, my name will be in shining lights. I'd tell myself that one day, I'll be an invisible nobody who is a potential waste of everything.
