RE: The Final Apology

This is going to be a two part blog post. First part because there are some things I need to respond to. The second part being the thoughts that are drowning me. Nobody ever reads my blog anyway, so it's not like it really matters.

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In the almost two years that we were together, I believe that I never got a heartfelt apology for anything you ever did. When everything was a struggle and I felt like giving up, I never got an apology. I do have to say that maybe its the fact that I'm a sucker, but I believe this apology is heartfelt. It doesn't matter because you are literal shit to me, but I thought you'd like to know that I believe you. I could never hate you. I could never hate anyone. I will never forgive you for what you did, and what you took from me. But I do hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourself. I'm not going to say that you're not a bad person, because only bad people do what you did. I am saying that it needs to be a lesson. And I hope that I will be the LAST girl you treat poorly. I am standing up for anyone else you ever feel like trying to befriend. 

I'm trying to figure out what else to say, but in the mean time, I need to get these feelings out so I don't drown in them.

I chose Rita because she is, in her own way, as damaged as me.- Dexter Morgan

Is there even someone out there that can understand what is going on in my head? Someone who can be okay with the weird thoughts in my brain? I think maybe I need to learn to pretend to be okay.

Love is a scary term. Something that I am completely terrified in. Does it actually exist? How am I supposed to know what it really is. Everyone always says - "when you know, you know." I thought I knew. I thought I was going to spend forever with a certain individual and it was destroyed in an instant. And instant that I replay in my head all the time when I'm driving to work, or sitting at my desk, or waiting for Zumba to start. Someone will tap me on the shoulder and I will jump, because human interaction freaks me out.

I need to write more but my gym class starts soon and I haven't gotten changed yet. I will compile my thoughts while I kick things to make me feel better.

Bye Felicia.

End Credits

It's interesting how life changes, and how you adapt to the hand you've been dealt. Similarly to that, its interesting how much you can change the hand someone else is dealt. I won't lie. It has taken a lot of work to get to the state of mind that I am currently in. A lot of work, talking to people and medication has made my life possible.

Every person I've met from the summer on, I've had to really study them before deciding whether they were worthy of being in my life. Some people have shown their colors early on, which is nice, when it comes to online dating, because at least you know that person is in the same realm as the other assholes you've wasted years on. But then others are extremely interesting.

The end credits are never something that I can depend on, because everyday I am in self-surviving mode.

One day, I hope to wake up one day and not be afraid of being with people, but with my track record, anyone could be the next person to kill me. Being paranoid is a real crutch in my life, and hopefully I will be able to walk alone soon. I have run so far from where I was last summer. I know I can do it. I have never been more strong than I am right this very second. I am sweaty from my workout this evening, but I did it, and I can do anything that I need to do in order to survive.