Is that beat, beat, beating in your chest gonna make you move?

I have been so stressed out lately. No matter what it is, some aspect of my life has just died. And in the process of dying, it's killing me. This server thing was a bad idea. I know it was a bad idea by the lack of sleep i'm getting as well as how fast I'm getting aggravated. In the back of my mind, I should have known better. I should have known that immense amount of stress was going to come from this server. I should have seen it. I watched Caboose go through this, and I saw him suffer from the stress. I saw him wither away from this game that he used to love so much. I saw him give up that server and walk away. I saw him never come back. That's all I want to do. I want to give it up, and walk away.

This is entirely way too much for me to handle. I'm sick of people. I've never liked people. Not really. I've always liked being alone. I would never be upset to go a day without saying a word to anyone. Deep down, I think I know that. I know I can never make everybody happy. I try to justify my actions but it just doesn't work anymore. No matter what I do, when confronted about it, I always realize there's never really a reason for anything. For someone who is looking for answers, telling them that there isn't a reason for any action is not an acceptable answer. But there's nothing else I can ever say. Because I'm not about to make up answers. Nobody deserves lies. Especially the few people that I care about.

I get put in this spot where I can't even recognize myself anymore. I look in the mirror, and I don't know who I am. I've lost myself. I thought I knew who I was so well. I thought I was in a place where I couldn't lose myself. Apparently I was wrong. If I lied to myself about that, how many other things have I lied to myself upon? Am I continuously lying to myself without actually realizing it? When am I consciously going to make the decision not to lie to myself anymore? And even when I make that decision, can I really trust myself enough to hold myself to it? There's all these questions of self doubt I thought I grew past. These times of self-loss make me realize that I never really knew myself to begin with. This person I was so stuck on being obviously never existed, seeing as I've lost her so fast.

With all these questions going through my head, how am I supposed to focus on anything? Everything is a blur.

I just want to stop. I want everything to stop. I just want to be Lnze. I want to just find myself again.

I've heard it all before.

Just between you and me, you were my first love. Something about the way you used to talk with me, not at me. Nobody has ever really looked at me. Only through me. You were different than everyone else in this fucked up world. The way you said you loved me gave me butterflies and stopped my heart. But how can someone actually love ME? Nobody has ever loved me before.

When we first started out, I wasn't ready to be with you. They say nobody can ever really love you if you can't eve love yourself. I still don't love myself, but I'm hell of a lot closer than I was before I met you.

How did we end up here? A place I never wanted to be. A place I never thought we would be. The crossroads. I still love you more than I love myself. I'll probably always love you more than I love myself. You saw a princess when everyone else just saw a monster. I want to be with you because I really, truly believe that we can exist together. But I'm not sure I can stay here, because it's foolish. It's not healthy to stay where we're standing right now.

How can the person who swept you off your feet suddenly morph into something completely different and just drop you without thinking twice? Where did we go wrong? How did we go from honeymoon to heartbreak so fast? A month a go, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. You were perfect to me. But then something within you changed. Something died within you. You became heartless, swinging your fist at anything that was foolish enough to get remotely close to you. You became overcome with these emotions that I just wanted to get rid of.

But I couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I had to accept that this was your battle. And I'm the only casualty. So, I suited for battle and ran full force in.

I don't do relationships well. I find I'm a loner. I enjoy solitude, and think it's weird when someone approaches me and willingly wants to get close to me. I usually pretend to get to know them and wait until they leave. But you never left. I doubt you'll ever leave. You won't leave until your heart is broken. I can't bear to break your heart.

We always say that we're we're going to find a solution. If something is a problem, there's bound to be a solution. But we have yet to find an answer to this conflict that is tearing us apart. Do we accept our fate, or do we suit up for battle and attack fate? I don't know how to fight anymore. Everytime I try to, I end up fighting you. Shouldn't we be on the same team?

I've been faced with these crossroads. To leave, or not to leave. To break my own heart, or have you break it for me? I can't bear to leave my best friend. The boy that I fell in love with. The one who made me smile. The one who dared to get close when nobody else dared to. But I'm no longer happy with what we have. I don't think you're happy with how we've been living for the past month either. I know that I am the only thing that makes you happy. I couldn't bear to suck the happiness from your life. I'm not heartless. That little voice in my head is telling me that I should leave. That it would be best for me if I just started walking. But I can't. I'm too loyal to the ones that deserve it. And you deserve it more than anyone in my entire life. So, after standing up and trying to find the nerve to start walking, I sit back down.

We need to come to a solution soon. Something that is going to be good for both of us. Something that won't hold guilt over either of our heads. Something that will bring smiles to both our faces, because we both deserve to be happy. The foolish girl typing this just wants to be happy with you. The one she thought she was supposed to be with before a monster swept him away.

I love you. More than the stars, more than the sun. More than music and life itself. I love you more than I could ever possibly love myself. Maybe its a toxic love that's going to poison me. But, I'll never stop loving you. Even when I'm dead, I'll be laying there, still head over heels in love with you.