I'm on the top of a mountain – metaphorically. I really don't enjoy heights, because the higher you are the farther you have to fall. And with my distrust in people, I don't enjoy falling, knowing that generally, there will be nobody there to catch me.
I try really really hard to not get feelings and emotions involved when I work, because feelings at the workplace is the last place that they belong. I find that being generally heartless at work is the best way to go. Things don't get messy. I can't feel my heart getting ripped out if I don't have one. I have tried so hard to stay unattached to people this season, and I honestly think I'm sucking at it. I didn't want to make friends, so I wouldn't be letting people down by disappearing when the time comes.
Back to the mountain. This mountain I'm on top of, it's got a pretty steep edge that cuts off, and goes plummeting down into a ravine. It's a pretty steep fall, a fall that you wouldn't want to deal with if you could help it. It's practically straight down, but it does have a few roots growing out, and rocks that you could potentially hold on to to prolong your immediate fall. This mountain, it's in my head. Suddenly, I'm not in control of things for half a second, and I find a swift breeze takes me off guard and I lose my balance. Into that ravine I find myself falling. Luckily, I'm able to come back and realize whats happening, and grab onto a couple rocks. As I'm clawing my way to attempt to keep myself from hitting the bottom, it's the most helpless feeling that there could ever be in the world. I can't even explain what could possibly be going through my mind. A frenzy of things, but most importantly, I'm just hoping that there will be some angel that catches me so I don't plummet into that ravine all alone.
That half a second that I wasn't in control has left me spiraling out of control. I can't think straight, I can't focus. I can't do anything without getting distracted. I just want to go back to college and live alone so I don't have to focus on the distraction. Everytime I walk into work, my mind is spinning. I can't function properly. I've been fighting this inner battle of whether to give and see if this could work, or trying to detach myself completely, and neither side has won, because I haven't given myself the approval to let one side win.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Our love is not a ghost.
I have been walking on eggshells for a very long time now, at least a couple of months. I've been crawling in my skin for an equally long time. I've always been jealous of those people who are put together perfectly. The ones who are able to be mature, professional and calm when they might be breaking inside. The ones that you'd never know are having that depression/anxiety attack. I've been so jealous of them for such a long time. There are certain people that I think about, and I could never imagine them being in the low state that I have been in for the last couple of months.
The things I would do – the lengths I would cross and battles I would fight – if I could spend a month, waking up being ok. Waking up and knowing that your mind is chemically unbalanced fucking sucks. Thinking about how you're not like everyone else, is the worst thing ever. Even worse than that is when everyone defines you because of it. I do not want my mental illness to define the person that I am. People criticize you: "Why don't you take some of dentist daddy's money and go see a professional.", "You need professional help.", "You need to grow the fuck up.", etc etc etc.
A professional is not going to fix the chemical imbalance that is occurring in my head. Sitting on a couch, telling someone that I hate everything about myself is not going to suddenly make me love myself and want to skip around in a field of flowers. How can people be so insensitive? It's like telling someone who has bipolar that they need to stop having mood swings, or an anorexic that they need to eat. They know the problems they have, they are trying every day to not be defined by it. Just by telling someone they need help doesn't automatically fix the problem. A lot of time, even the "answer" isn't the complete solution. No matter how many times I talk to someone about my issues, they never really go away. They just consume me a little bit more, the more someone brings them up.
Being "brutally honest" with someone is the nice way of saying that you are being a rude motherfucker to them and completely disregarding everything that they are about, just so you can be a selfish asswipe and say what you think they need to hear. Telling someone that they are "selfish, childish and need to grow up" and hiding behind honesty is a load of bullshit, and you and I both know it. I can't even believe half of the shit that I have heard from people on the internet who are too coward to stand up and say it to me. They and I both know that if they had a chance to tell me off face-to-face, they wouldn't take it.
The internet makes everyone bad. Everyone ends up hiding behind it, being whoever they want to be, and believing that the person they got to know through the internet is exactly what they assume them to be. Nobody truly knows someone else by solely communicating with them through the internet. I know that I come off to be the worst person on the face of the Earth because of the internet. I know that I come off to be the most selfish individual, who doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. I can guarantee you that that is not the truth about me, and if you got to spend one day with me, you'd realize that I'm actually quite a nice person. The internet, and the brutality that the internet is has made me bring up walls, in order to protect myself, and the people that I care about in real life.
I guess the moral of the story is, let's stop being so fucking ignorant on the internet. I know this will never happen, and I know that thinking about it even trying to happen is like having Hitler come back and apologize for killing the Jews. But, a little hope never hurt or killed anyone.
The things I would do – the lengths I would cross and battles I would fight – if I could spend a month, waking up being ok. Waking up and knowing that your mind is chemically unbalanced fucking sucks. Thinking about how you're not like everyone else, is the worst thing ever. Even worse than that is when everyone defines you because of it. I do not want my mental illness to define the person that I am. People criticize you: "Why don't you take some of dentist daddy's money and go see a professional.", "You need professional help.", "You need to grow the fuck up.", etc etc etc.
A professional is not going to fix the chemical imbalance that is occurring in my head. Sitting on a couch, telling someone that I hate everything about myself is not going to suddenly make me love myself and want to skip around in a field of flowers. How can people be so insensitive? It's like telling someone who has bipolar that they need to stop having mood swings, or an anorexic that they need to eat. They know the problems they have, they are trying every day to not be defined by it. Just by telling someone they need help doesn't automatically fix the problem. A lot of time, even the "answer" isn't the complete solution. No matter how many times I talk to someone about my issues, they never really go away. They just consume me a little bit more, the more someone brings them up.
Being "brutally honest" with someone is the nice way of saying that you are being a rude motherfucker to them and completely disregarding everything that they are about, just so you can be a selfish asswipe and say what you think they need to hear. Telling someone that they are "selfish, childish and need to grow up" and hiding behind honesty is a load of bullshit, and you and I both know it. I can't even believe half of the shit that I have heard from people on the internet who are too coward to stand up and say it to me. They and I both know that if they had a chance to tell me off face-to-face, they wouldn't take it.
The internet makes everyone bad. Everyone ends up hiding behind it, being whoever they want to be, and believing that the person they got to know through the internet is exactly what they assume them to be. Nobody truly knows someone else by solely communicating with them through the internet. I know that I come off to be the worst person on the face of the Earth because of the internet. I know that I come off to be the most selfish individual, who doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. I can guarantee you that that is not the truth about me, and if you got to spend one day with me, you'd realize that I'm actually quite a nice person. The internet, and the brutality that the internet is has made me bring up walls, in order to protect myself, and the people that I care about in real life.
I guess the moral of the story is, let's stop being so fucking ignorant on the internet. I know this will never happen, and I know that thinking about it even trying to happen is like having Hitler come back and apologize for killing the Jews. But, a little hope never hurt or killed anyone.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I never really meant for any of this to happen.
I've been stuck in this rut. I'm stuck in many a rut, but this one I've been in before, but just different circumstances. I hate not being in control. It's my worst nightmare. I can drive 90 mph on the high way, but the second I get in a rollercoaster and give up control of how fast I'm going and where I'm going, I get anxiety attacks. The same is true for my life. The second I'm not in control of my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, I start to get anxiety attacks.
The worst feeling in the world is to fall for someone who hates themselves so much that they're destined to blow up and destroy everything in their life. They don't even see how much you care for them. They need to end the pain. How do I know this? I've been there. I saw many a boy fall for me when I was in the self-destructive state that I was in for the past couple of years. Why do you think I sent one packing right before I self-destructed last semester? Because I know how much it sucks to want to help someone and not have anything to do to help them.
Being on the other side of this equation is the worst thing ever. I now know that I ended my last relationship when I should have. I can justify my thoughts and actions by the situation that I am in right now. I feel so helpless, wanting to help someone and knowing that there is literally nothing I can do to benefit them. I just want to reach out and hug them, but unfortunately the internet prohibits me from doing so.
On the topic of the internet, sometimes I just want to throw my computer against a wall for letting me meet all these fantastic people that have their arms wide open to accept me. The issue with meeting these people, is knowing that there is a 95% chance that I will never get to look them in the eye and thank them for saving my life. The depression that I have isn't as bad when I talk to them. When they talk me through things.
I listen to some of the players on my minecraft server, and what they've been through. How they've evolved into wonderful individuals, and conquered so many things. Then I sit here and think about myself and my situation. A white chick who grew up in the suburbs, went to the best high school in the area, was part of a great marching band and made a ton of friends through it. My parents are paying for my education in college. I get to major in what I want to major in. I don't have many friends, but I've got a nice group of them. I get to talk to my parents every day. They love and care about me. I really have nothing wrong with my life. But I'm not happy, nor have I ever really been. Most people would say that I'm selfish. I have to agree with them. I take a lot of things for granted. I really hate myself for doing so.
I hate myself for a lot of reasons, that I'm trying to overcome. I've climbed up mountains from where I used to be, but I'm no where through the entire mountain range. There are many a battle I have ahead of me. I just hope that when the time comes, if I'm not strong enough, I have someone to pick me up when I fall.
The worst feeling in the world is to fall for someone who hates themselves so much that they're destined to blow up and destroy everything in their life. They don't even see how much you care for them. They need to end the pain. How do I know this? I've been there. I saw many a boy fall for me when I was in the self-destructive state that I was in for the past couple of years. Why do you think I sent one packing right before I self-destructed last semester? Because I know how much it sucks to want to help someone and not have anything to do to help them.
Being on the other side of this equation is the worst thing ever. I now know that I ended my last relationship when I should have. I can justify my thoughts and actions by the situation that I am in right now. I feel so helpless, wanting to help someone and knowing that there is literally nothing I can do to benefit them. I just want to reach out and hug them, but unfortunately the internet prohibits me from doing so.
On the topic of the internet, sometimes I just want to throw my computer against a wall for letting me meet all these fantastic people that have their arms wide open to accept me. The issue with meeting these people, is knowing that there is a 95% chance that I will never get to look them in the eye and thank them for saving my life. The depression that I have isn't as bad when I talk to them. When they talk me through things.
I listen to some of the players on my minecraft server, and what they've been through. How they've evolved into wonderful individuals, and conquered so many things. Then I sit here and think about myself and my situation. A white chick who grew up in the suburbs, went to the best high school in the area, was part of a great marching band and made a ton of friends through it. My parents are paying for my education in college. I get to major in what I want to major in. I don't have many friends, but I've got a nice group of them. I get to talk to my parents every day. They love and care about me. I really have nothing wrong with my life. But I'm not happy, nor have I ever really been. Most people would say that I'm selfish. I have to agree with them. I take a lot of things for granted. I really hate myself for doing so.
I hate myself for a lot of reasons, that I'm trying to overcome. I've climbed up mountains from where I used to be, but I'm no where through the entire mountain range. There are many a battle I have ahead of me. I just hope that when the time comes, if I'm not strong enough, I have someone to pick me up when I fall.
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