I have been walking on eggshells for a very long time now, at least a couple of months. I've been crawling in my skin for an equally long time. I've always been jealous of those people who are put together perfectly. The ones who are able to be mature, professional and calm when they might be breaking inside. The ones that you'd never know are having that depression/anxiety attack. I've been so jealous of them for such a long time. There are certain people that I think about, and I could never imagine them being in the low state that I have been in for the last couple of months.
The things I would do – the lengths I would cross and battles I would fight – if I could spend a month, waking up being ok. Waking up and knowing that your mind is chemically unbalanced fucking sucks. Thinking about how you're not like everyone else, is the worst thing ever. Even worse than that is when everyone defines you because of it. I do not want my mental illness to define the person that I am. People criticize you: "Why don't you take some of dentist daddy's money and go see a professional.", "You need professional help.", "You need to grow the fuck up.", etc etc etc.
A professional is not going to fix the chemical imbalance that is occurring in my head. Sitting on a couch, telling someone that I hate everything about myself is not going to suddenly make me love myself and want to skip around in a field of flowers. How can people be so insensitive? It's like telling someone who has bipolar that they need to stop having mood swings, or an anorexic that they need to eat. They know the problems they have, they are trying every day to not be defined by it. Just by telling someone they need help doesn't automatically fix the problem. A lot of time, even the "answer" isn't the complete solution. No matter how many times I talk to someone about my issues, they never really go away. They just consume me a little bit more, the more someone brings them up.
Being "brutally honest" with someone is the nice way of saying that you are being a rude motherfucker to them and completely disregarding everything that they are about, just so you can be a selfish asswipe and say what you think they need to hear. Telling someone that they are "selfish, childish and need to grow up" and hiding behind honesty is a load of bullshit, and you and I both know it. I can't even believe half of the shit that I have heard from people on the internet who are too coward to stand up and say it to me. They and I both know that if they had a chance to tell me off face-to-face, they wouldn't take it.
The internet makes everyone bad. Everyone ends up hiding behind it, being whoever they want to be, and believing that the person they got to know through the internet is exactly what they assume them to be. Nobody truly knows someone else by solely communicating with them through the internet. I know that I come off to be the worst person on the face of the Earth because of the internet. I know that I come off to be the most selfish individual, who doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. I can guarantee you that that is not the truth about me, and if you got to spend one day with me, you'd realize that I'm actually quite a nice person. The internet, and the brutality that the internet is has made me bring up walls, in order to protect myself, and the people that I care about in real life.
I guess the moral of the story is, let's stop being so fucking ignorant on the internet. I know this will never happen, and I know that thinking about it even trying to happen is like having Hitler come back and apologize for killing the Jews. But, a little hope never hurt or killed anyone.
