I am not the kind of girl boys fall in love with.

I will be the first one to admit -- I fell in love with this boy named Ian.

Before you assume the worst, it wasn't like that. I don't believe in love-love, and I'll explain myself as this post continues on.

 I fell in love with the way that he made me feel okay with myself, like there was no reason to hate myself. I fell in love with the way he made me feel like there was a reason I was alive, and if I killed myself, the world would actually miss me. I fell in love with the way he treated me, like an equal, like I wasn't defective. I fell in love with the security that our friendship brought to my life. I fell in love with the way that he was always there for me, when I was breaking down. I fell in love with the knowledge that if I slipped and fell, he'd be there to try and catch me before I fell into pieces.

And all of a sudden, he was nowhere to be found. I lost more than an admin on my minecraft server. I lost my best friend. I lost the only one who was keeping me upright. Without him, I'm tumbling, and falling, and I don't know what to do. It's like falling into a well, trying to grasp for a brick that's jetting out from the sides, hoping that the foundation is uneven enough to have at least a little bit of something to get your grubby hands on. But, alas, the well is still nicely built, foundation hasn't decided to crumble yet, and you just paw the wall as you tumble into the darkness, unsure of what's at the bottom.

I want things to be the way they used to be. But there's something that's different. Our friendship isn't what it used to be, there's something missing. Maybe I'm afraid to open myself up like I used to. He's just another internet friend, not a person that I feel could be sitting in the room with me. We can't talk without getting into arguments or upsetting one another. I can't say anything without hitting a nerve with him, and he can't say anything to me without making me want to run away. It's not the way it used to be, and I have to admit, I don't know what to do without him. It's driving me insane, like, clinically insane, that I don't have the support system that I had before things were turned upside down.

I just want him and I to be unconditionally friends like we used to be. I can see that he's making the effort to be my friend, so I have to deduct that I'm the reason that our relationship hasn't mended itself. Just another reason that I'm obviously defective. I'm not good at being anyone's anything. I'm legitimately the worst girlfriend in the entire world (ask Sam or Dave, they'll give you RAVING reviews of how I fucked up their world), I'm a no good friend, since I have the worst trust issues in the entire world ever. I'm apparently the most disappointing child anyone could ever bother to spawn. I am just an all around awful individual.

I have this feeling. This overwhelming feeling like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Everyone I fall in love with, whether it be in the love-love type of way, or the friend type of way, eventually leaves. I am losing everyone I ever felt close to. And I don't know what to do. I keep hoping and praying that once I come to terms with being alone, and not being afraid of the loneliness that everything will just fix itself.

I haven't had anyone stable in my life in a really really long time. I don't know how to keep friends, and I don't know how to deal with people who actually take the time to try to be my friend. When someone puts effort into staying in my life, I legitimately do not know how to process the information. It's like entering a string for visual basic wrong, I just end up in a circle that I can't get out of.

I don't believe in love. I think it's a fairytale, and doesn't actually exist. I think it's bullshit to believe in this world inhabited by 6 billion+ people, there's someone walking the world who is the missing puzzle piece to your life, and you're just magically going to meet them. I think it's complete and udder bullshit to believe that there is a prince charming. I've already talked about this some, but after the shittiest month a girl could ever possibly have, I have come to a complete and final solution, I do not believe in love, and I don't think I ever will. I do not believe there is someone in the world who understands me well enough to be with me, I do not believe there is a boy walking the earth that could finish my sentences. I do not believe there is anyone on this earth who I could possibly make happy, because, lets be honest, I'm one of the biggest fuck ups in the entire world; who could ever love me.

I am not the kind of girl boys fall in love with.

Condescending.

This summer is finally coming to the end. Thank god. Literally, thank God.

I never thought I'd meet someone so ignorant and not understanding in my entire life. Being in charge of the design department of my co-op, he is the most un-technologically savvy person in the entire world. My mother, who googles "facebook.com" in order to visit facebook is more technologically fit than this guy is. This guy, who has to call the IT guy to ask him how to turn off his wireless internet. This guy who doesn't understand there is a history button to use instead of constantly using ctrl + z. This guy who thinks I don't understand anything about using a computer. Stop being fucking condescending. God frowns on condescending assholes.

I think he exists to butt heads with every person ever created in the world. If I would have known what I was getting into here, I wouldn't have done it. There's no way in bloody hell you'd convince me to do it. All he ever does is give me a fuckin' hard time about shit, when I'm the one doing the work. I'm doing your work. Don't give me a fuckin' hard time about it.

I will use whatever program I see fit to do the project you assigned me to do. Unless you tell me specifically when you give me the project to use a specific program, I'm going to do it my own way. It's your own fault if you don't like it. And there is no room to give me shit because of it.

I was supposed to shoot pictures for something yesterday night. He said he'd meet me there at 7pm to help me out and set me up.... 7:15 comes and goes... Guess who's not there. I got stood up last night by my boss. Don't tell me you're going to be somewhere if you know you're not going to be. You didn't leave me on my own because you think I'm good by myself. You fuckin' forgot.

I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up to have a child. I didn't sign up to have to keep tabs on someone else. I am an employee. Not a boss. I shouldn't have to continuously ask for information on how to do something. I expect that when you give me a project, you give me all information when you give me the project. If you are too ADD to remember shit, you need to go home. You need to get some serious medication.

I was told I have bad communication skills. When he's the one who doesn't respond to my 500 text messages. When he's the one who is NEVER in his office. When he's the one who lacks communication skills. I'm sorry, but I understand how to communicate, and you're the only one in the last 20 years who has told me that I don't have communication skills.

Don't ask me to do shit and not clarify if I've done it before. Don't give me a shit ton of work to do on my LAST FUCKING WEEK, when I've had weeks where the most I've done is spin in my chair. Do NOT stand me up. Be fucking dependable, understanding and a good communicator.

I am so sick of this. I want to go home. I want to cuddle with my dog. I want to be away from this shitty, shitty job and this person who lacks management skills.

This social stigma attacks again.

I dealt with this social stigma a lot last year. And yet again, it's back to make me depressed and realize that I have absolutely no future. My life consists on my computer. I don't have a social life. Society today tells us that not having a social life, not having real-life friends is bad. And that there is something wrong with you when that happens.

Obviously, there's something wrong with me. Just look at me, my friend circle is as big as my skype list is. These people I call and talk to on a weekly basis, I've never met them. I've never looked them in the eye and said hello. Society tells us that's a bad thing. That if you're sitting in front of your computer, playing a video game, not out on a Saturday night, there's something wrong with you. I've known there was something wrong with me for years now. The way that I can't make friends. The way that this shy-ness that I deal with is a barrier that I'm stuck behind. I've known since my freshman year of college that I was weird.

My freshman year -- when I started this blog, and realized that yeah, I am fucked up. I don't have abide by normal social norms. I don't have that many real-life friends that I can hang out with. In fact, I can't even count ten of them at this college. But you know what, that doesn't bother me until someone else points it out. Until this time, my mother points it out. She's worried for me. It bothers and concerns her that I don't have a social life. What if that's my own choice? What if I'm choosing to stay in. I'm turning people down who want to see me. I'm saying no thank you to going out and being a "normal" college student. What if that was never my scene to begin with. Every time I'm invited out and I actually say sure, I end up feeling completely out of my element. Like, "This is so awkward. Everyone here is drunk and high and I don't fit in."

There are so many more more outgoing, more attractive people in this world than myself. Maybe I'm not right when I say that statement. But, maybe that statement is correct. That statement is what my self-esteem is based off of. Yeah, I don't like myself. I'll even say that in this snapshot in my life, I actually really despise myself. I push away the people I find closest. Those internet friends who are here for me when I don't want to be put out of my element with people I honestly don't give a flying shit about.

My mind has been overrun with thoughts lately. Depressing thoughts like I don't have a future, or I don't know what I'm going to do if I actually graduate. I'm biding my time in this college, hoping I'll die, or something better comes along before I actually have to do something with my life, because at this point in time, this college has sucked every single passion I've ever had out. And replaced it with hatred for the art. Photography was the one thing I actually thought I was good at, but obviously, the photography program here likes to smash dreams and hopes. I left my last photography course realizing instead of being a bad-ass photographer, that I actually don't have shit when it comes to the talent department of being able to take a competent picture. The art program did the same thing. Every single person in any of my art classes was better than I was. They didn't even have to try --- and there I am, working my ass off to come up with something that is borderline-fail. These things that I thought were my passion, and I'm only mediocre, which is going to get me absolutely nowhere in life. That's one thing this school did teach me. I'm not going anywhere in life if I'm not good at what I'm doing. And I'm not good at anything but avoiding people and not going out in public for an entire weekend.

"Tomorrow is a better day", my grandma used to say. In every instance where I've been upset, this statement has made me feel a slightly bit better. But in this instance, this statement does absolutely nothing but make me realize that tomorrow is another day for me to sit here, and think about how I'm a dead-end.

I used to think that maybe I'd be something in life. I made it through my teen years without a STD or an unwanted child. I made it into a college, which incidentally became open-enrollment the year afterwards, so it means absolutely nothing now. I haven't failed any classes in college yet. But, regardless, I try my ass off to be slightly good and stand out, and I end up in the back of the class room with dozens of students out-shining me.

I've been invisible for my entire life. And to some degree, I enjoy it. I don't like everyone knowing who I am. I don't like people bothering me. I like to hide behind the shadows and just glide along with life. Life to me is a lot easier when people don't create drama. When you're invisible, they can't see you to start drama. But lately, I've been feeling like being invisible isn't cutting it. I want to be noticed; I want to be good at something. I want to feel like I'm not a disappointment. Maybe I'm really a disappointment. I've disappointed just about everyone in my life. If I ever make it to graduation, I'm going to disappoint my parents, when I tell them that I still have no idea what I want to do in life. When I tell them that their money was completely wasted, because throughout this college experience, I have yet to find something I'm good at. And I've taken a ton of classes thus far.

I think at this point, I need to stop thriving to be something important, and start coming to reality that I'm a nothing. I have nothing to show, and nothing to give. I have no talent to become famous, rich or notable for. My childhood dreams of being famous are long gone. If I could go back to being ten, I'd never tell myself that one day, my name will be in shining lights. I'd tell myself that one day, I'll be an invisible nobody who is a potential waste of everything.

There are no diamonds here.

"How do you deal with your spouts of depression?", she asked. He responded, quite honestly, "I dont give up. and I just keep going."

It's so hard to not give up. It's just the easy option -- giving up. It's all I've wanted to do for years. It's a slingshot of emotion. It's overwhelming. Where does that emotion go? It has to go somewhere. What happens when the only thing you can channel that energy on is the thing that brought you to the emotion in the first place?

Minecraft has been my safe-haven for at least a year now. I leave the real world. The real world that is cruel, un-holy, unforgiving. That world that is such a downer in every sense of the word. I leave that world. And I enter one of block-y proportions. A world in which the inhabitants are forgiving, friendly, understanding. The kind of people who enjoy your company, and do not judge. That was the kind of world I dropped into last February when I found CabooseCraft. It was the kind of community that I needed. I was searching so long for my niche that I could just dig into and feel accepted. and I found it. Caboose had a way of making me feel like everything was going to be okay. Something that I'm lacking nowadays. I dont know if things are going to be okay, or what's going to happen tomorrow. That type of insecurity lingers everytime I wake up, and stays overnight.

There is only one inevitable truth: Music is the only thing I can rely on. In a time of dire need, I found "Keep Your Head Up" by Ben Howard.

Keep your head up
Keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set,
Keep your head open.

That dire need was the passing of my grandma. One of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my entire life. I think if the world lived like she did, the world would be a utopia. She was always thankful for everything. She never had a single bad thing to say about anyone. She loved her family, her friends. The people she surrounded herself with. She kept her house as tidy as the day she bought it, 50+ years ago. She was the hardest worker I have ever known. She fought for everything she had in life. Even on her last day, she fought death in order to see me one last time.

When the depression tries to swallow me whole, I think about her, and how weak I must be to let my thoughts get in the way of my actions. To let my thoughts get in the way of my ability to live life. If I could switch places with her, and let her live over again, I would. I feel like I am just wasting life sitting here, being consumed by this depression.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who would understand me in a way that only this blog could understand me. Someone I wasn't afraid to tell everything to. Someone who would unbiasedly listen to everything I'm thinking and still look me in the eye and tell me things are going to be okay. Someone who wasn't caught up in every day life. But, I don't. I'm stuck here. Laying in my bed, weeping, typing out my feelings in hopes that maybe this will help me clear my head so I can properly sleep at least three hours tonight.

Maybe one day I'll be able to conquer my issues. Maybe one day I'll find that perfect person who will accept me for all my issues, whether they're dormant or not. Maybe I'll finally find that prince charming. Not the fake one. The one who I thought could have saved me from my problems like a castle.

Or maybe not. Who even gives a flying fuck anyway?