Last day of the project.

Oh, hello. Today happens to be the last day of the year, and also the last day of this 365 project.
Let's have a little recap of the past year, and put into perspective if this year was better than last year.

This was the list of things I wrote for myself on the third day of the year:
get a job
see the cab in concert, at least twice.
make some friends this semester in college
survive living in a freshman dorm with inconciderate people
meet someone i'll never forget
exercise more
go to Drum Corp International finals this summer
re-read Harry Potter multiple times
finish this year in college with at least a 3.4GPA.
beat the elite four in pokemon pearl and platinum and gold.
catch a legendary pokemon using only a pokeball.
figure out what i'm doing for the rest of my life
be a happier person

This year started out at Redline, and then Redline ended. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. A frequently asked question as this winter season begins was "are you doing Redline again?" No, I'm not. This year has taught me a lot about myself. Firstly, that everyone at Redline had this special connection with music. The majority of people there at Redline enjoyed music way more than I will ever. They took music way more seriously than I will ever. Music to me is just a hobby, while to them, it seemed like their life. I'm not good enough to compete with the big boys anymore. I just don't have the drive in me anymore to continue playing music like I used to. This year, I put to rest the music part of my life. No more marimba's, no more xylophones, no more vibraphones. It's been buried since April, and I don't plan on exhuming it.

I survived my first year of college this year. I survived my first, and hopefully last worst roommate ever. I could go on and on, and bitch and moan about how horrible she was to me. But then I’d be just like her. Instead, I choose to think about what she taught me. She taught me how to be a good roommate, and how to accept people for who they are, even if we don’t get along. She taught me that the majority of humans judge without getting to know, including myself. She taught me how awful it feels when you put someone else below yourself, and to think of yourself as the queen of the universe. She taught me how to be a good friend, and how to not stick my nose up at every single thing that comes my way. Thank you, Alyssa Lynn Shuluga for everything you taught me. You were the worst roommate I have ever had, and I’ve learn so much from getting to know what you are.

When I finally managed to stand up for myself, I moved out of that awful Mac East 122. I moved in with a girl named Sara. This girl is by far, the happiest thing I have ever met in my entire life, and I owe a lot to her. The third floor of Mac East was a lot less cliquesque, and I am so very grateful for that. I met so many wonderful people, and actually for the first time, made friends in college. I do, however have to thank Jordan Chavez for sticking by me that entire year. I know we're not so very close, but I really really want to thank you for making it seem like I have one friend. I survived living in a dorm full of inconsiderate people though.

This summer, I met a group of the best people in the entire world. This job was completely life-changing. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be accepted by a group of people for who you were, and what you weren't. I was so very lucky to get to know this group of people. King's Island will forever be one of the most memorable places I will ever remember. I rode my first rollercoaster this summer and I rode slingshot alone twice. I tackled the fears that were hiding in the back of my mind for years. I seriously cannot believe I did half the stuff I did this summer. It doesn't seem like it was actually myself who was accomplishing those things. For the first thing on my list, I accomplished it. I also managed to meet quite a few people I will never forget. I never got to really thank you. So, this is my undying gratitude to my Delirium crew. You sincerely turned my life around.

I made it to Drum Corp International semi-finals this year. It wasn't necessarily Finals, but I loved every moment of it. I got to see Ross play with the Cavaliers, and Bobbie with the Bluecoats. Even though I put to rest the playing part of music in my life, I will never lose the love of watching and listening to music.

I think I've figured out what I'm doing with the rest of my life. I am going to be a photographer, which is what I've always wanted to do in my life, I was just too scared to tell anyone. I was too scared to tell my mother who thinks I need to be an accountant because they make money. I am going to be a photographer, and I am going to be a damn good one at that.

"With recognition comes hate, the double-edged sword"

365. And that's that.

I think I must have counted wrong.
Because tomorrow is the last day of the year.

I don't really care.

let this year be over.
READY GO.

364

Goodbye wisdom teeth, we've had a nice 19 year run together.

303. Just sitting here, bawling my eyes out again.

I'm sucking at everything I'm trying to do this semester. All my art classes suck ass, because the teachers expect grad student pieces from first-year students. Every single critique I've sat through, my teacher has told me that I could do way better. Every single one of my projects gets completely ripped apart. My duct tape project that I worked so freaking hard on? Yeah, only a B-. ONLY A FREAKING B MINUS. I don't even know. My first ceramics project? YEah, a D-. The instructor expects a student who's never even touched clay to be able to make something that's worth of being in a museum. Everyone in my classes has such talent, and I just don't. I feel so helpless, and I feel like a waste of time, because I can't nail one project. This art program freaking sucks. To add to everything, everytime I call my parents, to try and get some encouragement, they either A. Yell at me or B. Make me feel bad. They tell me that I need to get through this semester, because I'm wasting their money anyway. They're not understanding whatsoever. I don't know what to do. College freaking sucks. I can't make friends whatsoever, because I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid because people take advantage of my trust. I can't seem to keep friends, and when I do get close to somebody, they decide to hurt me in some way shape or form. Because I can't trust people, therefore I can't make friends, there for I don't have anybody to talk to, to help me get through my immense amount of problems. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I have some kind of problem because I lack any and all social skills. I'm sick of being who I am. I don't know what to do. I feel completely trapped in this life, and I just want out. I want to be normal. I want to have fun, I want to enjoy this life, but instead, I can't. I'm stuck in this rut that I can't get out of. I'm stuck sucking at everything and everything I try to do. And don't even try to convince me otherwise. Everytime I call my parents to try to get some type of encouragement, we get in an argument and I end up hanging up on them and just bawling my eyes out. I've just hardcore curled up and cried so many times this semester. I'm miserable every hour of everyday, and I hate it. I'm sick of being sad for no reason whatsoever. I'm sick of being like this. I want to be different, or at least normal. I don't want to have these problems anymore. I don't want to be this way.

I don't know what number post this is. All I have to say is I really fucking hate you. Go to fucking hell, it's where you need to fester and thrive.

225. I get it completely.

Watching those performers out on the field, I kinda just get it. I kind of just get why they’re out there, performing their asses off for a ton of people they don’t even know. It made me remember certain things about performing.

I remember back in high school, about how the only venue I could distinctly remember, and see in my head was the RCA dome; completely full, for finals. I could completely see this picture in my head, although I’ve only ever seen it once- my freshman year. Every year after that, that was the picture in my head during every run-through. The lit up banners on all four sides of the RCA Dome: “Centerville Jazz Band, Centerville, Ohio.”

It reminded me of my philosophy, or rather, my fathers philosophy, he used to tell me so I’d never have a bad show: “You’re only as good as your last show”. Meaning, you’re only such a good performer as your last show is. You never know when that last show is going to show up, so just perform your ass of every single time, and you’ll be brilliant everytime. Never take a show for granted. I never did.

It also reminded me of Redline. Every single Redline show, I performed so much because I wanted to make every single person watching me applaud. I wanted a standing ovation, one I only got my junior drumline year. I wanted them to know that I meant business. I was performing because that’s all I knew how to do. When I was playing my vibraphone, it was utter bliss. And I wanted the entire audience to know, that I when I stood behind my drumline and saw my entire Redline family around me, yeah, I was happy. I was home.

I get what those DCI performers did tonight on the field. More than my Dad ever will. More than any of the parents I sat by tonight will every get. More than the Cavaliers fan I sat next to. I get it. Don’t worry.

225/365

173. stop callin', stop callin'.

I don't wanna think anymore.


173/365

172. Bye.

So, it's been awhile. I sincerely apologize.
I'm going to start this 365 up again.

i've already failed, but I could use the challenge to make it to December 31, 2010.

so. today was a good, but sad day..
I've been working at Kings Island for exactly a month now.
Today was supervisor Alex's last day.
this is an extremely saddening idea to think about.
because, in all honesty, he was my favorite.
maybe it was the level of awkwardness; it rivaled my awkwardness.
i don't know. regardless.

i said goodbye to him about an hour ago.
i really wish it never happened.

i suck at goodbyes.
i'm absolutely terrible.
"k. i'm leaving. bye"

as i stood there. i didn't believe he had heard me.
great. awesome.

that offered "high-five" that turned into a tackle-hug; yeah, that pretty much broke my heart into about four-hundred pieces.
not going to lie.

as I was driving home, i passed the exit where Redline stayed for WGI championships.
and it reminded me of when I said goodbye to Aaron Spevak.
that was one of the most vibrant goodbye's I'd ever had to do.
"this isn't goodbye; just see you soon".

i wish i had been as calm about this goodbye as I was that one.

Ayala HS 2009 drumline show; "Goodbye" ALWAYS brings me to tears. ALWAYS.
Guaranteed. Specifically at the end; when they have a Boyz II Men patch the---

"It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you"

yes. i totally break down. the last 40 seconds of the show: i am 100% always in tears.

moral of the story; I hate goodbyes.
I hate goodbyes that are actually goodbyes and not see-ya-later goodbyes.

it breaks my heart. no matter the person. no matter the situation at hand.

172/365

139. Uniformed.

I got my uniform today.
I start work this weekend.

FUN.

139/365

138. Sims 3

I spent all of today playing sims 3. Funny how that happens.

138/365

137. What's a matter with you?

Picked up dog, she's stupid as always.
Mom's still sick.

Dad's in Florida, since grandpa died on Saturday night.

137/365

136. Travel day

Travel day. . . . mom is sick, puking on the airplane.
Be home at 330 :)


136/ 365

135. Three

Blue Man Group today.
mom is sick... gross.

going home tomorrow.

135/365

134. Day two

We went to the Grand Canyon today. . . .

tourist central.

134/365

133. Day one

Mom and I went to the premier outlet mall today-

I got shoes, and flip flops, and earrings, that are janky material.
yeah, fun.

133/365

132. No Ohio!

I am currently blogging from the Denver International Airport.
this is exciting. I can't wait to be in las vegas.

in other news, the grown man who sat next to me on the flight over was watching harry potter and the half-blood prince.

that's awesome.
i was watching ayala and chino hills. obviously.

alright, flight takes off at 955 :)

132/365

131. Winner winner winner!

Diana and I entered a contest to win a free membership to a fitness thing.
we didn't think we were going to win.

...we did.
so i am now a winner of a free membership + personal trainer.
i don't want the personal trainer - I don't want Kevin.

131/365

130. Employed.

I got a job at Kings Island!!
I am the official ride operator of Delirium :)

130/365

129. Mulan

yep. watchin mulan

129/365

128. Amazing

I've been in this activity for five years. Five long, arduous years.
I told my mom I want to march DCI next summer.

...she didn't know that there were front ensembles in DCI.

sometimes lack of knowledge is amazing.

128/365

127. HOME

Yeah, I'm home.
this is fun shit.

127/365

126. Whatever. I don't have time to deal with you.

This girl has treated me poorly, and been rude to me for the past month, and I have no idea why. She went from jokingly hating me to really disliking me, and I don't know why. I have not done anything purposely. I sent her a message, stating that I wish she would have talked to me, instead of assuming that I don't like her, because she would come to find out that that is not the story. That she is making sarcastic comments towards me, giving me attitude when I don't deserve it, and plain out ignoring me when I whole-heartedly try to make a conversation with her. She responded by thanking me for the obnoxious letter.

like, really? exhibit a, ladies and gentlemen.


learn from experience: i don't have a problem with you, until you have a problem with me.

126/365

125. For Patty

this post is for pat.
because he called me out on it.

124. WGI.

Fan network needs to load faster.


that is all.

124/365

123. it's easy as 123, abc.

whatever.

i really don't have anything to say.

122. I won't let you sweep me off my feet

Are you going to any concerts this summer?
DCI

Have you ever been to a concert?
yeah, i've been to quite a few.

Would you have gone to Woodstock?
it's possible.

Have you ever camped out with a significant other?
no.

What kind of music do your parents listen to?
mom likes TWILIGHT soundtrack - dad likes Jason Mraz.

What's so special about the state you live in?
Ohio - all four seasons in a week.

Do you ever feel like you're getting old, but you're still a teen?
yes. - i'll be nineteen at the end of this summer. that's freaking old.

What do you think about indoor pets?
i absolutely adore my dog - maggie is my best friend <3

If you were a fish, what colour would you like to be?
green and purple and white.

What was your best year at school, so far?
senior year was hilarious.

Do you have any siblings?
nope

Do you think it's gay for a guy to straighten his hair?
they can do whatever they want. - i straightened Andin's hair for WGI 2008 <3

Do you watch any TV shows where the setting's a hospital?
csi occasionally.

Do you believe in ghosts or spirits?
maybe a little.

Would you agree that love is blind?
sometimes, but not always.

Do you want anything that you can't have?
we all do.

Would you still want it if you had it?
probably not :)

121. This time, I'll be bulletproof.

I really don't want to do this anymore.

121/365

120. Gotta keep your face up.

I had a dream about REdline. it was sad.

120/365

119. Scotty Garlock, I will love you forever.

Dearest Scotty, how do you deal with change? Because that is the
biggest road-bump I have run into thus far. Change.

People change, situational change. Place change. Adjustment to being
away from "home".

As I told you last night, I think, my best friend, or rather, the boy
who used to be my best friend, Nick, and I have changed too much. This
change has affected the best friend status between us. I've realized
it, and he hasn't. He's too naive to realize it. I've tried to walk
away multiple times, and he won't just let it be. But, at the same
time, I find it hard to let go. It's a weird situation. How do you
deal with realizing that you've lost the person who was your best
friend?

"Home" is another thing I can't do. I still don't feel at home here.
It's been 8 months, and this place does not feel like home. I hate it.
I don't know what to do. How do you deal with not being in Mission
Viejo? How do you deal with not being where you grew up?

When I go home it feels like I'm just visiting. I hate it. Centerville
Ohio doesn't feel like home anymore. I'm not looking forward to going
home, for that reason. And the fact that I know my dad is going to
yell at me and tell me he's disappointed in me because my grades
aren't up to par with everything else.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

That's what I feel like. Stress is coming on quick.
BUT. I paid my speeding ticket. I have a whole 15$ bank account.

WOOO.

I love you so very much.
-Lindsey K

118. Sleep

I told myself I would go to sleep before 1AM today...

FALSE. It's almost 1am, and I am currently downloading the LIGHTS cd.
It's going to be another hour.

poop.

118/365

117. Alone

I'm starting to believe I'm going to die alone.

As much as I love alone time, being able to sit here without people interrupting my thoughts.
It's getting really old.

Roommate is gone once again. She's always gone.
She's always busy.

I'm sick of being alone.

117/365

116. passssssssssss!!

i passed c:

116/365

115. GSW

I am absolutely terrified that I'm not going to pass GSW right now.
not going to lie.

I find out tomorrow whether I did or not.

115/365

114. Poor excuse for a post.

promise you won't lie?
Pinky promise

5 oldest texts in your inbox?
all from Nick.

have you kissed anyone in the past 10 days?
nope.

whose car did you ride in last?
mine.

last person you shared food with?
saraa

do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater?
yeah. people don't change their habits.

have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
happy/sad that redline was over.
angry about something I can't remember

would you ever get a tattoo?
yeah, i'm planning it out right now; the dark mark on my wrist.

do you hate when people smoke around you?
I don't really mind anymore.
After Redline.

is tomorrow going to be a good day?
probably not. tomorrow is monday.
i find out if i passed GSW tomorrow ;c

what's the weather like outside?
thunderstorm c:


do you know any mechanical stuff about cars?
no lol.


did you speak with your father today?
No

who was the last person you slept next to?
um. redline

do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
yes. i don't trust ross at all.
but i can't help but love him.

have you ever thought you were gonna die?
yeah

are you shy?
of course.

when was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
it's been awhile

could things possibly get any better?
yeah.

plans for tonight?
homework. / sleeping.

you're able to go back in time and change one thing, what is it?
november 25. 2007 - i wish i wouldn't have started that argument with that boy.
i miss him everyday.

where were you at 2am?
sleeping

did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Nope

think a lot before you fall asleep?
yes.

are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
shorts

were you ever obsessed with vitamin water?
yes. senior year. motherfucker.

do you ever crack your knuckles/ back/ ankles/ wrists/ etc?
my wrists crack alllll the time.

pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
love

did you sleep alone last night?
yes

what were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping.

song right now?
something by artist vs. poet

this time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes. yes. yes. yes.
it's kind of obvious, bff.

is there a person in your life that can always make you smile?
yes. nickypoo.

did you kiss or hug anyone today?
nope.

when is your birthday?
august 19th

tell me a random fact:
my stomach hurts like a bitch.

how are you feeling?
i don't feel.

are you still best friends with the same person as the beginning of the year?
yeah

how would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else?
he's in love with a different person every ten minutes.
i don't care.
it was a pity date.

are you in a good mood right now?
i'm just bored. / eh.

who was the last person you spoke on the phone with for over 20 mins?
ross

are you trying to avoid liking/loving somebody at the moment?
i have no idea anymore.

if your friends warn you about someone, do you listen?
never.

who was the last guy you talked to?
nick c:

have you ever been asked out by someone you didn't want to date?
tylerrrr.

were you smiling in the last picture taken of you?
yeah.

what would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl?
bobbie hits me all the time.

do you have any analog clocks in your house?
yeah

do you use tobacco products?
no.

do you support local music/artists?
yesss. atomic potato!

do you use itunes or do you use another music player?
iTunes

113. BEDA

I've become aware that it is Blog-Every-Day-April.


Great, I'm participating.
113/365

112. Somebody please, slow me down.

I really don't know what to say. I haven't had a day in a long time where I don't have something to say.
I'm sorry for letting you down. How about I say that I'm absolutely in love with Chino Hills Drumline.

and I'm making an impulsive decision to move to California after school is done. Sounds like a plan.

112/365

111. I really have no life.

dear scott c. garlock,

I'm writing to you again, because it's that time of year that I get that "i-hate-ohio-i-want-to-move-to-california" feeling. It's happened every year since our WGI Championships in 2008. Maybe not so much last year, but it's definitely happening this year. Maybe since SoCal drumline was so tight this year. Maybe because I have the biggest crush on the Chino Hills drumline. Maybe because I wish I grew up in California and had a chance to play in California. You're so lucky. I'd do anything to go back in time about four years, move to SoCal and play band there for my high school career. I don't even care which drumline. Playing for Mission would be boss. 'cause we'd be bff's. Not that we're not now, but I wouldn't have wasted years not knowing you. But at the same time, I'm absolutely in love with Chino Hills drumline - since 2008, I've been so envious of them. I really do think I got the last good years of the Centerville drumline. I really just hate living in the mid-east. I don't belong here. Have you ever felt like you're just chilling in a place that you just don't fit in? Yeah, that's what I feel like in Ohio. We're land-locked, the sunshine isn't real sunshine. People here don't know what real sunshine is. The real sunshine only shows up in California, when you're standing on a beach looking at the ocean. That is REAL sunshine. That's what I'm living for. That what I want. You want to know what my honest dream is? To come chill with you in Cali. Like, to me, once I do that, I can die with a smile on my face. I miss you so much. And you know, I'm not really quite sure how I miss you, since WGI 2008 was kind of a blur. I don't even know how we became friends, or whatever you'd like to refer us as. Acquaintances? I don't like labels. They're too restricting. Whatever we are, you make me smile regardless. I watched WGI dvd's all day today. I started with 2008, of course, skipping Dartmouth because they're a load of crap. But I watched Mission '08. And I realized how wonderful it is. And how wonderful you are. And how silly you are. And how Nick has taken the role of silliness from you. I refer to him as my best friend, but honestly, I kinda just think he's you in Ohio. Someone I can actually talk to on a daily basis. Someone who makes me happy without trying. You do that, you know? Don't ever forget that. Regardless of anything that happens. Don't ever forget that you're so important in my life. That whenever I tell people about my experiences in life, I specifically brag about you, and how you're a staple in my memories. I don't really know where I'm getting with this, only that you mean a lot to me, and that, like I always tell you I miss you outrageously. I cannot wait to hear your voice once more. Please, when you get a chance to call people, let me be on your list? No excuse for not knowing my number - Just do it, kay? :)

love, lindsey k hasbrouck :)


111/365

110. Don't even know.

I don't know where I would be without this kid named Nick Allen. Honestly, I really feel like if there was that one person who changed your life significantly, it would be Nick. We may be four years apart, but I think that's what makes it the best. That somehow, I can live somewhere else, and we're still best friends. That it still feels like he's always there.

This weekend really solidified everything for me. For awhile I had some doubts about best friend, but we're solid. I can't imagine life without him

LOVE you. MEAN it.

110/365

109. Ripped apart.

All my muscles hurt from this weekend.

My calves hurt from the tunnel/hill
My thighs hurt from the daily stretches before retreat
My feet muscles hurt from standing
My hands hurt from playing.
My back hurts from sleeping in a locker room for two nights.

but, most of all, my heart hurts.

My heart hurts from being away from my family. From knowing that we'll never all be together ever again.

that, most of all hurts.

109/365

108. My best friend...

...is wonderful. I love this boy with my heart and soul. I hope he's something in my life forever. I could not ask for anything more than what he's given me. A reason to be happy. A reason to trust someone. I am who I am today because I met him last year.

108/365

107. It's over

WGI came and it went.

The Common Man placed 5th in the world with a 92.5 - same as Bounce in 2008.
Pulse Percussion won PIW, followed by Rhythm X, Music City Mystique, and RCC.

It was a fun season guys, thanks.

106. The Common Man

So common, so loving. So wonderful.

My all-time favorite season of WGI.
With the common man.
and my common redline friends - no, family.

I love you guys.

105. Point of View

"You're only as good as your last show."

My dad used to always tell me that.
If that's true, I wasn't very good.
Point of View, senior year. We made finals.
but it was out of coincidence. To me, it kind of felt like the staff gave up on us that year.

We had all the potential in the world, but we never peaked.
The members gave up too. It was kind of a sad year for Centerville percussion.

I guess I believe I'm only as good as my last show.
I guess, subconsciously, I was thinking that as I took Andrew's offer at Redline.

I'm good. I'm going to be the best I can possibly be. I deserve it. I do.

105/365

104. Bounce

2008 Bounce. Fifth place, 92.5
I don't remember much about this year except being really really good.

...what happened to us?

104/365

103. V for Vendetta

V for Vendetta. . . . 2007 WGI. The only year I didn't get a finals show.
This was a strange season. I played vibraphone. It was stressful; having a solo with a vibraphone pedal that was bipolar.
I will never forget the Kettering Fairmont MEPA show when my pedal didn't work.
When it didn't work, I looked straight ahead of me, into Andin's eyes, and saw the same feeling I was feeling.
Embarrassment. Annoying-ment. That's not even a word. Oh well.

This was the season I met Zachary Todd Foster. The same boy I had performed to the year before but didn't even realize he existed. This was the year my trust got shattered. But, this was also the year that I learned things.

I'll finish this tomorrow when I'm not dying.
103/365

102. Raising the Bar

It's WGI week.
My first WGI show - Raising the Bar
Fifth place at WGI with a 92.2 - WGI 2006
I didn't realize at the time how wonderful WGI really was.
I didn't realize what I had gotten myself into.

This was the first year I played vibraphone.
I can't remember a whole lot about that year except playing for Centergrove in Nashville
and of course, beating them in Nashville.

If I would have known. if only I would have known.

101. Humanity.

I stopped in Sylvania to get gas on the way home, and my total amounted to 11.06.
I was only expecting it to be $11 even. Luckily, I had some change in my wallet.
. . . only $0.03 - but this gives me home in humanity.

Not the fact that I was three cents short, but the fact that the lady told me not to worry about the other three cents.
Thank you for giving me hope that we're not all corrupt. I will find and keep that extra three cents with me forever
in hopes to give it to someone who is three cents short.

I'm home in BGSU, packing things up to go home on Thursday. I'm taking things home so I won't need Mom and Dad to come help me. I cannot wait to bring Redline home to my home preview show. My pride, my joy. I love Redline, and I love WGI Championships week.

101/365

ps. Hi, Mike Bishop =)

100. One hundred.

i cant believe I've gotten this far. one hundred days of project threesixtyfive. it's a monumental step that I need to take, to tell myself that I can infact do whatever I set my mind towards. I can achieve anything I want to. In the last one hundred days, I've gone through so much. Ive grown as a person, I've made friends I'll keep until I die. It's absolutely wonderful.


thank you so very much.

100/365

099. Somebody give me a sign that everything's going as planned.

I was up until 2am. Writing papers.
About Harry J. Potter and Kingdom Hearts.
I'm a nerd x200395682345235

I'm tired.
I have an earache.
It's redline day.
I'm excited.

tomorrow is day 100.
i've done this for 100 days.
that's insane.

99/365

098. Cause and Effect.

I am about to enter my fifth WGI finals week.
I am about to play my fifth Centerville Preview show.
I will, hopefully stand at my fourth finals retreat.

WGI has been a part of my life for the last five years.
I wouldn't be the person I am without it.
I wouldn't have met the people in my life without it.

I pretty much owe my life to WGI.
Such an inspiration to every aspect of my life.

Thank you.

98/365

097. Background check

This was the show that gave me the goal I have today: to age out at MCM.
I don't care what you say about Music City Mystique,
there is no way anyone can deny their hands.
Their front ensemble hands are ridiculous.
Say what you will, but I'm aging out down there.
I absolutely adore MCM 2008.

I only wish I could play as well as they do.
I really do wish that I was good enough to make that front ensemble.

Goal - It's going to happen. I swear to god. I absolutely love MCM Pitband.

97/365

096. My biggest inspiration

I'm not sure if you know who Alexander Michael DeLeon is, but I'm going to enlighten you.
He is my number one inspiration in life. His words are pure genius.

Alex DeLeon is the lead singer of The Cab. Not "Death Cab for Cutie". They are two different bands.
(The Cab is better) The Cab's debut CD, "Whisper War" is the only CD to date that I can listen to the entire thing all the way through. In my times of need, as in yesterday and Sunday, you best believe that I put Whisper War on repeat and listened to it all day. My day is bad until I hear Alex DeLeon sing to me. And then all my worries float away. His voice is unlike anything I've ever heard, and his lyrics mean more to me than anything in the world. When I'm in a sad state, he's the person I write to.
Even though I know he won't answer me, I still write. To me it doesn't matter. I feel better regardless.

Alex DeLeon's voice and words make my severed heart whole again.

"People say love is overrated. . . . I say it never had a chance" - AMD

96/365

095. Lnze = Monopoly $$$

""When the time comes to leave, just walk away quietly and don't make any fuss." -Banksy


"It's not going to work between us."

Those seven words are the worst words to EVER hear.
. . . I heard them yesterday.

He thinks we wouldn't work out.

I, obviously, disagree. Whole-heartedly.
For the last time, will I act on my heart.
I'm done. I'm done. I'll sit here alone.

I do not understand why he's not even willing to try.
For Gods fucking sake, why waste my time if you thought it wasn't going to work out to begin with.
the "you make me happy too" 's and the "at least you get to talk to me :)" 's meant nothing, apparently.


do not fucking waste my time.
do not fucking lead me on.
do not fucking do something you do not fucking mean,
if you fucking don't mean it.

i have been led on so many times in the last five years.
that i'm just fucking sick of it.
i can't trust a damn soul i meet anymore.

if you don't have any kind of feeling behind an action, the action should not exist.
why would you freaking do something, or say something if you don't mean it?!
that's just retarded.

like, it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to think that words between us obviously meant nothing.

i was played, like monopoly money.

I seriously considered running my car off the side of interstate 23 on Saturday night.
Sounds dramatic, I know.
I was about three inches away from the side of the road.
I would have done it, but I like my car too much.
I really am not inspired to do anything anymore.
I don't really see anything worth while anymore.


fucking sick to my stomach.
i'm sick of the bullshittery. I'm sick of this happening.

I have more people walking out of my life then stay.
But I can't blame him. He wanted to stay in my life.
I can't have him in my life. I can't.
It's either one way, or no way.

we can win every fight.
i'm just going to start telling myself i'm going to die alone.

95/365

094. all i do is win win win no matter what

up down up down up down.


I don't know what to do. I think i've gotten myself in too far and there's no exit.
I really think I dug a hole for myself.

Up the river without a paddle.
I'm really sorry. I really am.

94/365

093. Make sure to think it through

Is it really too much to ask that something actually goes my way for once?
I've been fighting so long for this, that it's not even funny.
this is a fight i refuse to lose


"it'd be different if we were closer, ya know?"

. . . . no. i don't know. if you really want something,
you can fucking make it work.
fucking centergrove 2009 - make it work, a centergrove contraption.

that's something redline has taught me.
if you really want something, even if it looks out of reach,
you can make. it. work.
regardless of conditions; distance, money, lack of transportation.


i'm calling you out - be honest with me.
you just don't want me enough to try.

you just don't want to try.
i give up, you know. i can't keep fighting for you.
i can't, and i won't.

93/365

092. Prop up on the table, like a mannequin.

I'm redoing this. Because I was upset. And I don't know what I want.
I'm confused. I don't know what's happening in my life.

Last night was kind of a blur. I was sick of being led on,
I was sick of being disappointed.

At this point, the only thing that I know is that today is Friday.
Friday is the best day of the day, because it is Redline day.
+ I absolutely adore my Redline family.

. . . . more than I ever thought I could.
more than I ever thought I would.
more than anyone can ever understand.

i love you guys. so very much. i really do. ♥

92/365

091. Hearing things.

I've had a rotten day.

"Hahaha that really sucks. At least you get to talk to me :)" - RNT

God, I love this kid.

I really dont have anything else to say.
Back to writing about Harry J. Potter.

91/365

090. Lifeless

- - - shell of a person

I don't feel the drive to do anything anymore.
I've changed. I'm not the same.
I hope this is just a phase.

I want this semester to be over.
I hate my classes & i'm super overwhelmed
I feel like I'm drowning in my life.

I'm sick of this feeling.

90/365

089. You should have killed me when you had the chance.

"Why can't you look me in the eyes one last time?"

I really thought I was going to wash my hands of this situation,
but it keeps coming alive; like that zombie that won't ever be defeated.

I ran into bitch yesterday.

It was so traumatic. I was going to get food, and I opened the door-
she was standing there, trying to open the door the other way.
Of course, she does that cute little bitch thing, and apologizes...
then she realizes it was me opening the door on the otherside

There is no god-damned way she is sorry. She doesn't know how to be sorry.

She makes me so completely sick to my stomach.
Let's be real now. This is real life.
You don't get ahead by being a two-faced bitch.
Let's get over this stage already. We're in college.


89/365

088. My love, my love.

I have never been so tired in my entire life.


9:56pm -

I started this in GSW at 1030am. Then I got distracted.
Today's been a waste of a day. I haven't seen my roommate since breakfast this morning.
and I'm planning on going to sleep soon.
Even though I told Rossie that I'd stay up to talk to him.
Because I miss hearing his voice. I'd rather hear his voice then read messages from him anyway.

I'm such a fool.
I'm going to go evolve a Vulpix now. K bye :)

88/365

087. afnangladngad

i'l write when i'm not dying.


87/365

086. Goin' deaf

oh band. oh band. oh band.
i am tired.



86/365

085. Insane

I must be insane. I've looked at pictures I've drawn. Pictures I've saved.
Pictures that have been in my life. And it has brought me to tears.

Pictures I've drawn-
I must be insane because I haven't 100% moved on from that thing in Indiana (Georgia, now).
I don't know what to do.

Pictures I've saved-
I looked at pictures of my best friend in the entire world, Scotty C. Garlock.
It brought me to tears.

I wish he were in my life.
I wish he was still here.

I love, and miss you Scotty. Come back to me.

85/365

084. Thrown Apart.

I knew we'd grow apart.
The second I accepted the offer to come to Bowling Green.
I knew that we'd start to become distant.
That was my biggest regret.

It took awhile to realize that we weren't going to be best friends like we used to be.
That he wouldn't refer to me as best friend, and that you would push me to the back of your mind.
I went through a long cycle of realizing this.
It was the hardest thing I had to realize. It took months.

I was feeling really reminiscent last night as I looked through all my pictures.

And I realized that I had a lot of friends in high school that I don't talk to anymore.
And that makes me very sad.

I've met a lot of wonderful people as I pretty much toured the state of Michigan with Redline.
But no experience will ever come close to the experiences I had with my best friends from Centerville.
I've met a lot of people, but they can never replace you.
I've had a lot of laughs, and a lot of smiles, but they can never replace the ones I had back home.

I've come to realize that I'm never going to be able to call Centerville home anymore.
That's okay for me. I've come to terms with it.
I struggled to find that sense of home all last semester, and I've found it.
Home is where my friends are. Michigan, UD, Wright State, Hartland.


I know that we'll continue to grow apart,
but I just want you to know that there will always be a place in my heart for you.

<3

84/365

083. Myself.

I get really weird when I get close to people. I get really distant when it gets serious with someone.
The second I feel like someone actually wants to be with me, and actually likes me for who I am,
I start to question what I am. What I believe in. Who I am as a person.
It's hard for me to grasp the concept that someone might reciprocate feeling back to me.
It's never been that way for me.
I'm sorry if I get really distant. I'm really sorry.
I like this boy too much to mess anything up.
But by getting distant, I'm messing it up.

I have serious trust issues.

83/365

082. A Jet for a Day

Shit. I cannot remember what I was going to say. I'm going to get food.
Maybe I'll remember what I was going to say when I get back.

081. I don't care if you don't love me.

I haven't felt like myself in a while. It's kind of annoying.
I don't want to tell Rossie that I have these kind of moods,
but I get kind of depressed, without reasons.



81/ 365

080. Ring, ring.

Eighty days.... EIGHTY DAYS. I never thought I would make it this far. This is exciting. I can't wait to get into triple digit numbers.


That is all. Time to procrastinate bigtime.

80/365

079. Ode to the Psycho Bitch

Dear o' psycho one,

Despite everyone telling me to stop thinking about your pathetic soul, you popped into my mind as I was driving home from Redline this weekend, you know, that activity you made fun of me for. The reason I get up in the morning. The activity I'm involved with, where people actually enjoy my presence. I know you can't relate, and for that, it is unfortunate. I can't say I'm sorry, because you deserve it. You only get what you give, and you never give anything because you don't understand what it means to be charitable. It's sad. What a waste of such a potential. What really got to my soul is this: The fact that I opened myself up to you, but you still chose to be a backstabber. You knew that I wasn't good with people. That I had serious trust issues, but you still chose to use that against me. My Achilles heel; the fact that I couldn't trust people easily. It gets to my soul to know that you're so heartless. You're so heartless that you cannot understand someone else. That you don't understand that everyone has to deal with the consequences of your actions. You are too heartless to understand that you hurt people more than you realize. I know that I, myself am not perfect. I know that I have problems that I need to fix. But I am a step in front of you because I choose to be the better person. To step out and admit that I have issues. I wish only that your roommate next year is forewarned. Forewarned that you are just impossible to live with, to explain things to, and for you to understand others that don't relate in the same way as you. I really hope nobody else has to go through what I had to go through. I would not wish you on my worst enemy.

79/365

078. Aches.

I think I slept on my neck weird cause I can't turn my head. That's unfortunate.


78/365

077. Expecting too much

I always put so much hope into someone.
Then, I'm always disappointed.
I should learn. People are a disappointment.

I'm sorry I trusted you too much.

77/365

076. Chrome.

Switched to Google Chrome again. I dunno, it's a phase. I'm hoping tonight will be a relaxing night. Watching some american idol, talkin' to some Rossie, just chillen. Life is so peaceful right now. It's nice. That's all I have to say.

76/365

075. Not the same.

I miss the Centerville Front Ensemble with all my heart.
I miss Bobbie and Mark and Mackenzie.
I miss the vibraphone section from my freshman year winter.
I miss watching Chris headbutt the wall.
I miss having the miami band camp marimba sectional by the tree with a bike in it.
I miss dissembling the keyboards to put them inside so we wouldn't have to load the truck sophomore year.
I miss not being allowed to go to retreat because we were being "punished".
I miss the bullshit we all put up with.
I miss La Campenella and Not the Same. (I actually do :( )
I miss the Centerville pit dad army.
I miss not having to completely load the truck.
I miss having to put the orchestra room back together and how long it took.
I miss the whole tone scales that were always put into the show late in the season.
I miss Lockjaw and Poprocks.
I miss CF and The Scientist.
I miss the Centerville Pit I used to know. The pit who had fun, but was still absolutely wonderful.
I miss the Centerville Front Ensemble of 2005-2006. My first front ensemble. My favorite ensemble.

Redline is my new home. But it will never be Centerville. It will never be.

074. I worked so hard.

Just to be shut down. I have never worked so hard on a paper in my entire life. Of course, I didn't have "synthesis" - meaning that I put my own thoughts into it. I definitely did here is my paper, bolded is my synthesis. I'm going to fight this. there is no way this is a "not passing" paper. NO WAY.

Imagine today’s typical American household. In most cases, the father is away working a job while the mother stays at home and raises the children. All throughout history, more noticeable in the past than currently, women have traditionally been the gender which stays at home in order to clean the household, cook dinner and greet the children when they arrive from school. When the children are born, women typically spend their time at home and leave their jobs for maternity leave. After the kids grow up and move out, the mother should feel no responsibility for staying at home. Virtually, there is no reason for the mother to remain at home when no kids are left. At the same time, when children are still living at home, it would be foolish to not cherish the time you could potentially have with them. Women should not sacrifice their education in order to raise a household because they need to make the most out of their education and they need to be able to live independently in case of divorce.
Women are getting college degrees, but are they doing anything with them? Not necessarily. In the article “Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood,” author Louise Story states, “Ms. Liu is full of ambition, planning to go to law school. So will she join the long tradition of famous Ivy League graduates? Not likely. By the time she is 30, this accomplished 19 year old expects to be a stay at home mom. ‘My mother’s always told me you can’t be the best career woman and the best mother at the same time.’ Ms. Liu said matter-of-factly, ‘you always have to choose one over the other’ ” (291). According to Story, women are going to college to get an education and eventually ending up staying at home, raising the children. “I’ll have a career until I have two kids. It doesn’t necessarily matter how far you get, it’s kind of like the experience: I have tried what I wanted to do” (Story 294). This is illogical because it is practically a waste of money put into a college education. If women go to college and receive a degree, why would they choose the alternative which is staying at home? Women need to find a common ground between solely working and solely taking care of the kids. Living at home has the potential to make a wife more dependent on her husband for an income. There may come a day when her husband is no longer there, whether it be from divorce or death. What happens to the stay-at-home mother in this situation? She has to fend for herself and potentially her children.
Divorce is an all-too-common occurrence in households in today’s world. In a lot of cases, mothers are the ones who take custody of the child. This can be a bit of a shock to the mother who has spent her life as a stay-at-home mom. For one depending on only her husband, it is a complete lifestyle change. Surviving on one single income is a tough task when raising children. The first task is to try to get a job. This is difficult in two different aspects. First, trying to find a job with no prior experience is challenging. Most of the jobs available will be low-paying, sometimes minimum wage. As a cause of this, the mother may have to go on welfare and receive food stamps in order to put food on the table. Terry Martin Hekker’s article “Paradise Lost (Domestic Division)” speaks of how she had to survive on food stamps after a horrifying divorce. “When I filed my first non-joint tax return, it triggered the shocking notification that I had become eligible for food stamps” (Hekker 248). Although it may be embarrassing to go receive welfare, it is an element that becomes all too common in single mother households. The second problem occurs mentally. After staying at home for many years, it is hard to being working all over again immediately. This is similar to starting school after summer break, for example. It takes a while to become reacquainted to schoolwork and a legit schedule which school offers. Beginning a job is the same way. It is especially challenging for someone who has never had a job before because they are not used to this sort of schedule. These are some of the difficulties which mothers must overcome as a result of divorce.
On the other hand, some argue that it is important for the mother to stay at home to raise children for two crucial reasons. First, society makes it acceptable for women to nurturing and strict in certain, differing situations. Mothers are able to play both roles in a household. On one side, they must be caring towards children and sympathetic in some situations. But, they are able to turn and be able to lay down rules when something is not orderly. Men are usually not able to play both roles. Society deems men as strong and insensitive. They lack the nurturing quality which women are able to do. Secondly, there is a certain bond between mother and child which is lacking between father and child. Childbirth creates this special bond because the woman carries the baby in her body for nine months. Traditionally, children are closer to their mothers because of this bond. Because of these two reasons, women are stereotypically placed at home to watch over the children. This does not serve as a proper excuse for women to sacrifice their college educations in order to maintain the household. Households nowadays need two incomes in order to function properly. “Fewer than 25 percent of American households survive on one paycheck, and in a few years that number will decline to fewer than 20 percent” (Stabiner 296). This shows that one-income households are steadily declining in today’s economy. It is hard to afford many things in today’s economy because inflation is at an all-time high. Simple things like gasoline for vehicles, school lunch for children, and college tuition are rising in prices while paychecks are not increasing. This is why the average single parent working minimum wage cannot support a family. Also, men need to show their faces in a child’s life. For example, imagine a child who never sees his or her father simply because they work all the time. The child may begin to believe their father does not care about time because they never see them. Hope Edelman says in her article “The Myth of Co-Parenting: How it Was Supposed to Be. How it Was” that “my plan had been to [raise our child together]: two responsible parents with two fulfilling jobs, and an egalitarian marriage with a well-adjusted kid who was equally bonded to us both” (325). She is stating that her ideal situation is to offer her children the opportunity to have two parental figures actively contributing and participating in their lives. It is not fair to a child see to only one of two parents on a daily basis. Marriage is about contributing evenly in every aspect of the couples’ life. This includes rearing the children, earning the income, and taking care of household chores. Raising a child is an effort which is not to be taken lightly. It is a long-term commitment which involves two parents being active in their child’s life.
In conclusion, today’s typical household should flexible and be able to change in response to certain situations. Women should be responsible enough to know when it is the right time to stay at home and when they should work. It is ideal for the common woman to maintain a job while taking care of the house, but it should be a combined effort between a man and a woman to raise children. Sacrificing an education, which costs a lot a money today, should not be the deciding factor in the case of choosing whether to stay at home or work.

073. I'm lost without you.

i dont even know.

072. Reflective.

Honestly, I really don't have anything to say. Pat, don't give me shit for this. K thanks ♥

071. Patrick didn't do shit today.

Yeah. Blog post. This is awesome.

71/365

070. Let's waste time.

I realized something really important today. That I do not belong in Ohio. Specifically, Southern Ohio. Because the attitudes vary from region to region. Northern Ohio and Southern Ohio are a miniscule of difference, but it's still a difference like night and day. That this negative atmosphere I'm placed in right now, directly translates to my everyday life. I'm a better person in Michigan. I truly am. It's because in Michigan, I'm welcomed with open arms, while, here, I'm welcomed, but the facade of open arms fades within the first ten minutes of being home. So, I want to leave. I want to spend my summer somewhere else. Because Southern Ohio is no longer called home. It's just not. Home is where the heart is, and although I grew up in this house, I am a part of this house, this house is no longer a home to me. It's time to move on. It's time for my heart to grow up.

70/365

069. Demons? Confronted.

It is absolutely outrageous that one human being is capable of sucking all the happiness from the two happiest things I have in my life: Redline and Ross. But, someone has succeeded in doing so. I hope he's happy. I hope it was worth it. I hope it was worth making me feel miserable. I've dealt with his jealousy issues all throughout high school- but we've grown up. We're in college now. It's time to enter the real world. Where jealousy will get you nowhere. I'm sick of having something important in my life- something that makes me unconditionally happy, just to tell him, thinking he'll be happy because that's what friends do. When I do tell him, he ends up sucking the happiness out of it. It's not even worth it anymore. I'm just going to go back to leaving the happiness to my true friends. The people who are happy just because I'm happy. And when they say it, I buy into it. I have never bought into that lie he's told me. I'm sick of it! I really am. I'm done. I'm putting my foot down. I'm confronting my demon before I'm squished beneath it. I'm getting out before it's too late. I'm moving on with my life. I wish he knew how much it's time to move on. It was time to move on three years ago after it didn't work out for evident reasons.

Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to. Hopefully that's a statement for the past.

69/365

068. What do you want from me?

It's currently 11:35pm. It's probably going to take me longer than 25 minutes to completely compose my thoughts on this subject, because it's annoyed me for almost three years. I have a lot of strong thoughts and comments I'm about to make. There is no intent of offense behind this. Alright, disclaimer aside. Let's begin.


Almost three years ago; my sweet sixteenth birthday party. It was anything but sweet. I had all my best friends invited and he made me feel sorry, so I invited him. In a sense, he invited himself. As he did with my life. He invited himself into my life. I never really gave him permission. He locked himself in my bathroom for 6/8 of the party. For one of the last 1/8. he proceeded to pace around my front yard as my parents giggled in the living room. I was so embarrassed, and I knew they knew. The last 1/8, he guilted me into "dating" him. I use that term- "dating", casually, because I could only put up with him for a total of like, 5 days, maybe six. Definitely not more. I "dumped" him on Facebook, because I couldn't think of a better way to do so. In hidesight, I would have given him more respect. In this situation, it was the, "I like you, only because you like me." I don't know what he saw in me, and I don't care to find out. He's always been jealous of the boys I've liked; Scotty Garlock, Andin, Michael Morris, Scotty Holzman and Max and most definitely Nick Allen. Now, he's got some kind of deal with Ross. I don't care. I like this boy, and I think he likes me. That's all that really matters in my book. We make each other happy, and I don't need a "ex-boyfriend-esque" figure's acceptance to spend time with Rossie. I've put up with this boy's issues about me, about his girlfriends he "loves" so much. I've put up with him for so long, that I'm sick of it now. I'm willing to be his friend, but it's like a broken record. He'll only talk to me when I'm not seeing someone, because if I mention that boy, or if I mention how I'm marching Redline, he gets jealous and turns me off. He ignores me. It's time to get over the things I've got in my life, Tyler, and move on with yours. It's always the same buttons I push. The jealousy ones, that I don't even mean to push. If you were a real friend, like you say you are, you'd be happy that I've got someone in my life that makes me unconditionally smile. You'd be happy that I'm participating in an activity that I've unconditionally fallen in love for. Obviously, you're not a "real" friend- whatever those really are. I've lost the definition in all of your drama.

68/365

067. I need you like the ocean needs the waves

Redline yesterday; 9am-5pm - left exactly at 5pm. It took me 3.5 hours to get home. I arrived, tired, but safe at 830pm. Wooo. I played a little Animal Crossing and Kingdom Hearts and then I fell asleep at 11pm. Yeah, that's my exciting Sunday.


Monday; It's SPRING BREAKKKKK! WOOOO

67/365

066. Tell me you love me.

I have an unnatural obsession with coldplay.

66/365

065. Well, see what had happened...

Yeah, redline time! Wooooo

064. Talkshow on Mute

k. i'm using a pc. and i dont know how to use it. so im just gunna go now. k awesome

64/365

063. Gimme, gimme a break.

Foout is coming today! She's in Findlay getting gas as of 5 minutes ago.
I'm so excited-but I have so much to do before I leave tomorrow for Redline and then Spring Break

I need to pack
I need to find my music
I need to write GSW paper =(
I need to spend a lot of money on my meal plan
I need to clean
I need to do some laundry? Maybe.

I need to do a lot.
Gimme a break, please.

:) 63/365

062. I don't mind.

I don't mind if I have to wait forever.
I don't mind waiting for you.
I don't mind spending my days and nights in a freezing state.
I don't mind getting no sleep as I wait for you to text me back.
I don't mind being a loser if it means I get to be with you.
I don't mind smiling every time I think of you.
I don't mind laying in bed trying to sleep, but having you on my mind 24/7

it's alright. i don't mind. i want you in my life forever. :) <3
"I've only got forever, and forever is fine." -AMD Vegas Skies by The Cab


62/365

061. So predictable

I cannot wait for spring break. That's really all I have to say for today. That I enjoy talking to certain michigan people, and that i cannot wait to be out of bgsu for an entire week! although, i'm going to have to drive from dayton to michigan twice. i'm not a fan of that. definitely not. oh well. the things i do for love :)


61/365

060. All this time, I was waiting for you.

You say I'm lucky to love someone who loves me. I truly am lucky. I've been really digging the new OneRepublic CD, "Waking Up". It's rad. I enjoy it. I talked to Rossie until midnight last night. He makes me miss Michigan. He makes me want to transfer to MSU tomorrow. I want to. I want to spend my time with him. Someone who makes me smile. Granted, I have wonderful friends at BGSU, and a wonderful roommate, but Rossie tops them all. God. My heart is at home again.

I'm healed, I'm good to go, thanks :)

60/365 - HAPPY MARCH! I've made it two months! :)

059. Someone to smile for

It's been awhile since I could truly say that I have someone in my life that I can wake up, think about and smile. When Nick and I lost friendship, I thought it would be awhile until someone would replace that hole that he had made in my life. This weekend made me realize that that hole that Nick made, shouldn't have even been there in the first place. I have so many things in my life that I can think about and smile for, that it's ridiculous. Redline, for one, keeps me freaking sane. I would not survive without it. Granted, I'm getting a little burnt out and need a serious break, but I love what I do. I can't complain. At the show this weekend, I hung out with the person who makes me smile the most, Ross. Every time I'm sad, every time I'm upset and don't know what to do, Ross is the one to talk me through a situation. He makes me smile when I'm crying, and when I'm already happy. He's the most talented, driven mallet percussionist I've ever met through WGI. I feel like some days, I drive to Michigan for Redline, through the heavy traffic, through the terrible winter storms and horrible Michigan drivers, because I know the end result will be that I get to see him at NCA/Redline competitions. At the end of the day, he's been there for me since we met. That's all I ever really needed.

Thank you :)

59/365

058. Almost missed.

Yeah, blog post of the day.

58/365

057. Progresssssss

It just dawned on me this morning, I have a wonderful new life. I saw old roommate on the way to breakfast with my group of friends, and I realized that for the first time since being at BGSU, I have a group of friends who really like me for who I am. They don't judge, they aren't pity friends. It's wonderful. And there she is, alone. Not liking BGSU. You get what you give. In her case, she gets nothing out of this experience because she didn't give anything.

Live lessons are wonderful to learn.

57/365

056. Cried like a baby.

If you're going to watch this, be prepared to bawl your eyes out. Legit. I cried like a baby watching this. My best friend; my Maggie. I relate so much to this guy and his dog. I miss my dog right now. I'm terrified I'm going to come home from BGSU and she's going to be gone. I grew up with her. She was my best friend and I was hers. I put up with all her black fur because she knew me better than I knew myself. I'm brought to tears to even think about life without her. I always told myself that I won't live without her, and it's true. When her time comes, so will mine.

56/365

055. Internet in GSW...

wow. that's a first. i'm slackin' today, heather. i dont have anything else to say.


55/365

054. Something broke inside of you.

So, I woke up about 30 minute ago. Beautiful. I only have one class today.... sociology :( boring! so, i'll go to that class, go to the union and get a new key-lanyard, eat, do laundry, be productive, have dinner with Sarah after 530 and call it a day. Yesss. And, I don't have anything to say, so Heather, I'm not slacking :)

54/365

053. stop and think a second.

these weekends really pay a toll on my soul. i was not a fan of driving home yesterday. i wish i could be home for longer than a day. i miss my parents. i miss my dog. i miss my friends back in dayton. i'm not complaining though. i have the best friends at bowling green and at redline. i just wish i wasn't tempted by redline being in dayton. i want to be in dayton for more than just a day. redline gets in the way of having a winter break, having a fall break. not spring break. i will be home to hang with my family in three weeks. i cannot wait.

53/365

052. I'm back.

Back in BG! Woo, this weekend was wonderful. Thank you redline :)

52/365

051. second.

redrine got second. yeeah. wooo.
kbye.

51/365

050. Lost, but recovered.

I'm sitting at home right now!! Wonderful! Last night, I lost my wallet. I went to Walmart to pick up stuff for Redline this weekend. I must have dropped it in the parking lot, because I couldn't find it. This morning, I get a facebook message from a lady who found it. I met her a Meijer to pick it up. Humanity is still alright in my book. Nothing was stolen, nothing was taken. I'm just waiting for my new debit card to show up.

I'm going to go chill with my dog. Bye :)

50/365

049. Let's go.

One more day until I get to go home, wonderful.

49/365

048. Queen Bee.

I no longer have to live with the QueenBee Bitch. Yes, I moved. Thankfully. It happened last night. I made it official today. I have a new key, and the psycho bitch is left to be alone. No more of her bull-shit. It's absolutely glorious. My new roommate is a band kid. She's a musical theatre major, which means she understands what I live for. She won't mock my interests and hobbies, like bitch did. I'm going to go get food with Jordan now.

have a wonderful day

48/365

047. Come undone at the seams.

I woke up thinking, "This is going to be a brilliant day." Well, god damnit. I'm going to make it a wonderful day. Hopefully one of the last days I have to wake up in McDonald East 122. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be in McDonald East 358. That'd be absolutely wonderful. This girl really doesn't know how much she's saving my life. She doesn't know how much happier I'm going to be. She doesn't know what a wonderful thing she is doing. If I can set myself up in a situation with a new roommate, one who doesn't judge without getting the other side of the story, Bowling Green will be my new favorite school. I hate it here because I have to live with this girl who thinks I'm "fuckin nasty" (details later of course!). That's literally why I've hated it here. Everyone asks me why I came here if I hated it. I didn't know that my roommate would be someone who judges without background information and has to gossip behind my back. Had I known that, I wouldn't have showed up here. I wouldn't have done it. But, I guess we wins some and you lose some. In my case, I learn and I live. This little pothole turned out to give me a flat tire. I've almost got a new tire on, and I'm ready to keep going. Today is going to be wonderful. I hope everyone has a wonderful day, because I'm going to

It's almost Friday, smile!
47/365

046. And i can't get it out of my head.

I need something inspiring to say, or to think. Because, as Pat said yesterday, my blog is really boring all of a sudden. I've fallen into a hole and I need a ladder to get out. My only ladder I can think of is Redline.

The person who pushed me in this hole will remain anonymous. But, I want to say that I wish every single person could not judge on first site. That every person walking the earth was tolerant, and understanding of situations. I wish everyone could ask for the other side of the story; there are always two sides of the story. You say I chose to do it, I didn't know it was going to happen. Two sides of the street to walk on. I wish we could all just be civil to each other. Nobody had to be a bully, to say mean things behind someone's back just to make themselves feel better. I wish the world outside of high school felt like the world outside of high school. I wish that the world actually had evolved from prior situations. That people wouldn't treat similar situations the same, because the context is always different. I wish people wouldn't make fun of others for their hobbies or things they find delight in. I wish the real world was really a wonderful place all the time. I wish Redline was the real world. I wish I could move to Michigan State and live in East Lansing. I wish I could hang out with my best friend Rossiepoo Taylor every day, and he could tell me that the night gets darker before dawn, and we could make penguins. We could laugh, and smile. I wish I could pick up everything I own and throw it into Michigan. I have never met people nicer than those I've met while being in Michigan. I've never hated my own state as much as I currently do. I have never hated my own situational state as much as I do now. I deserve better. We all deserve better. Nobody should have to live in a state of hate.

Have a good day guys. It's gunna be Friday soon!
46/ 365

045. I had something.

I had something really important to say. I was real inspired. But then I realized that I'm stuck in BGSU, living in a room with a person who thinks that I'm a stupid bitch and that I'm "fuckin' nasty". And then the inspiration was gone. Oh well. I'll get the inspiration back when I'm living somewhere nice.

45/ 365

044. Imma be.

Redrine won the Troy WGI regional :) 84.05!

44/365

043. Sicker than assumptions.

In bed. Going to redrine tomorrrowww.

43/365

042. Hello,

stomach flu. I won't be at redrine :(


42/365

041. Focus

Focus was tonight. That's really all that happened. BGSU didn't close :(


41/365

040. Phineas + Ferb.

I've been watching phineas and ferb all day. i feel like they've been on summer vacation way too long. i want summer so bad. it's snowing really bad here. like 12 inches. oh well. hopefully no school tomorrow? my only class was cancelled today. :)

40/365

039. Normalcy.

I would really like some normalcy in my life. The "snow apocalypse" is coming. By Wednesday, we're supposed to have 12+ inches of snow! that's really all I have to say for today. I have to go get ice cream. K bye!


39/365

038. Foux du Fafa

I wrote this for my Pop Culture class, but I don't feel like writing anything. It's an editorial about what Drumline the movie does for people's perspectives + Redline. Ok, great.

“Hhhhrredline Percussion from Canton, Michigan, you may take the floor for Winter Guard International World Championships finals competition!” I am a performer. I am musician. I am a member of the fifth best drumline in the world, Redline Percussion. I am a part of a family of performers, musicians and friends. I am in love with an activity that nobody knows exists. I have never been more in love with an activity and group of people than I am now. I am willing to drive 2+ hours to Hartland, Michigan every single weekend for these people and this group. I don’t know where I’m going to spend the night before I arrive. I’m paying $975.00 plus gas and food money to be with these people and potentially win the World Championships in April. I am at home when I am standing behind my vibraphone at Round Elementary in Hartland, Michigan at 7pm on a Friday night. What do people think of when they hear “drumline”? They think of Nick Cannon from Drumline. They think of a ten person snare-line who has problems with each other. They think of a drumline who are out to over-do one another and stand out. Teamwork makes the dream work. The ensembles that I’ve been in have been family. They think of a boy who can’t read music but got a full-ride to a college. The members of drumline are musicians- musicians have to be able to read music. They think of a band whose motto is “one band, one sound” but act against that motto. There is more than one sound coming from that band. The movie Drumline suggest that marching bands and winter percussion ensembles are sloppy; that the performers are not striving for perfection- the marching lines are not straight and the music is not clean. The ensembles that I have been a part of strive for nothing less than perfection. The lines that I’ve competed with have done the same. Drumline is an art-form. It is more than just marching around on a field while hitting a drum with sticks. Drumline suggests that different marching bands and winter percussion ensembles cannot be friends with one another. I beg to differ. Through Bands of America (BOA) and Winter Guard International, WGI, I have met the most wonderful people. My best friend played snare drum for a drumline from California. I have friends from Tennessee, Indiana, Massachusetts, Georgia, and Pennsylvania and of course, Michigan and other parts of Ohio. Yes, there is rivalry involved, but it’s not to the extent that Drumline portrays.
When I think of “drumline”, I think of my best friends. I think of driving home on a Sunday afternoon when it’s snowing like none-other. I think of Saturday nights in South Lyon, Michigan. I think of unloading and loading the semi-truck in an hour. I think of getting lost in Michigan on a daily basis. I think of “Oh, herrrooo!” from the entire front ensemble and I smile. I think of changing every “l” to “r” because of the Redline staff. I think of “Foux du Fafa” while driving to Subway for lunch every Saturday. I think of playing Ben Folds songs in the portable outside the gym. I think of The Common Man, Redline Percussion’s 2010 show. I think of leaving Bowling Green State University at 5pm just to make it to Michigan on time. I think about my vibraphone section- the most diverse group of people. I think of the memories I have already made with the Redline front ensemble and the memories to come. The season isn’t even half over. Sometimes, I forget that I live in Ohio when my heart and home is in Michigan. I define myself by the activity I love to do. I think of something that I want to be a part of until I die.

037. Hello, how are you?

81.9 :)


37/365

036. You may take the floor in competition.

Imma be on the next level
Imma be rockin over that bass treble.


First redline show of the 2010 season. . . . GET IT BITCHES.

that is all

36/365

035. I can't do this anymore.

I'm going take today to stress how happy I really am. For the longest time, I was having a hard time figuring out what "home" meant to me. I now finally realize what it is to me. Home is something indescribable. Home is the place that you smile without thinking about it. Home is really where the heart is. The first place that I have felt home at is Round Elementary with Redline. I haven't felt at home since I left Centerville. I can't even explain how much Redline has done for me. People who understand me, who don't think I'm completely weird. People who I could sit + gossip with all day if need be. I've made friends with people who have made an impact on my life. These people really have changed my life. I am so thankful to be a member of Redline MMX. I wish the people at Bowling Green would give me enough time to actually show what I am. The people at Redline are willing to get to know me; why aren't the BG kids? Because there's something different about the people I play band with, even at Centerville. There's something different. I don't know. I'm going to go avoid the plague that's growing in my room. I hope I can not get sick. That'd be awesome. I'm so excited for Redrines first show at Ferndale :)

35/365

034. Rude Awakening

This morning I got a phone call from a lady who I'm supposed to be talking to about getting a job. I sounded like a retard, because her phone call woke me up. I hate first impressions. Since this morning, I've been in a daze, not able to wake up. You could say it was a long day. I had class from 1030 to 220, a meeting at 315, class from 430 to 545, sociology study group from 6-7pm + then FOCUS from 730-830pm. Crazy day. To top it all off, roommate has the stomach flu + keeps puking. Great. Another sleepless night.


Oh college.
34/365

033. Pokerface

I'm currently up at the sharks club, working the Redline fundraiser. This location is wonderful- there's wireless, and it's easy to find. This is seriously the best thing ever. Andrea is working this fundraiser with me tonight. We go until 1015, when JWebb + Brent come and take over. Then I'll drive myself back down to Bowling Green until friday @ 5, when i'll drive back up here. I am such a dedicated person.


33/365

032. You were drunk + tried to take a mental picture with your hands.

Hi, hello. So, it's the first day of FEBRUARY! I made it through an entire month of project 365!! January was a crazy month, and I can personally say that I'm so glad it's overrrrr. January was a month of fighting, a month of driving, a month of crazy peculiar lack of communication. January, I'm glad you're history. On to February + My half birthday!! First Redline competition in 6 days! I cannot wait. I'm so excited to be a member of Redline. I got my Redline jacket yesterday. . . . I'm in love. So much better then the high school drumline jacket. For real. Alright, awesome

this has been fun, but secret life + make it or break it is on tonight.

031. I'm always right.

For Patrick, I've named this blog post "I'm Always Right". With that being said, I have nothing to say right now. I'm not in the mood to right. I hope you can dig it.

bye for life.

31/365

030. Don't make me sing.

I don't have anything to write today. A good 30 days blogged. K, that's awesome.


30/365

029. Awkward at best.

Really, when I say I know awkward, I really don't mean it. I learned the real definition of awkward last night. Roommate's boyfriend spent the night. I made her promise nothing would happen while I'm here (I leave at 415pm today.) Now, he stayed up until at least 1230am watching tv. I'm okay with that, I have earplugs from back in the day from when she did the same thing. It got a little awkward when he started snoring at 1am. I left the room, and headed to Jordan's, on the fourth floor where we proceeded to fail at WiiSports and SuperMario until 230am when we came back downstairs to let Jimmy in. I'm currently in the computer lab because he's just chilling in the room and I'm not about to be in there alone when roommate isn't there. So, moral of the story is, is that Music City Mystique front ensemble blocks out TV sound, but not hardcore snoring. Nothing except Wii Bowling in another room blocks out hardcore snoring. And, with that, I'm going to go take an hour long shower and pack for Redline, because, once again, it's time for the Redteam ♥


29/ 365

028. Formspring

So, I was on my Formspring, answering questions that have built up since who knows when, like for the past three months, and I came across a question asked yesterday: "Why are you at Bowling Green when you hate it so much?" (minus the correct capitalization and punctuation, of course.) I, of course, answered it, but this question gave me a good topic for today's blog post. So, let's go.

I get this question a lot, and well, I absolutely hate it with a freaking passion. It's the kind of question people ask when they're uninformed and don't really understand the facts behind someone's feelings. Which, of course, makes sense. You wouldn't ask it if you already knew. I hated Bowling Green with a passion last semester because I had a roommate who, I thought, didn't care to get to know me. I now know otherwise. I hated BGSU because the weather is absolutely terrible and the people are hella rude. That is still true. The girls on my floor still walk by me and glare at me, when I smile at them. The people I encounter in this residence hall, who live on the upper floors are rude. Not all of them of course, but, the majority of them. Because they have the "oh mommy isn't watching so i can do as I want" attitude. Most of that has worn out, but some is still going strong. I hated Bowling Green State University because I wasn't involved with anything, therefore I met no new people. I hated Bowling Green because what is there to do in bum-fuck nowhere when you don't drink? Sit in your room alone, essentially.

Now, note that I say that I hated. Past-tense. Meaning that my thoughts have changed since then. I no longer hate BGSU with the passion I used to. The people who were the "rudest", I don't encounter anymore. It's gotten too cold so the smokers don't smoke outside my window as much. I still get to make a scene when they do, however. I've joined a "club" and made friends. My roommate and I are civil to each other, and the girls across the hall don't hate me like I thought they used to. BGSU is just full of things that don't work or do the jobs they should, aka, the "wireless" internet and my closet that's been fixed at least four times. BGSU is just a bunch of misunderstandings.

027. It'll leave you in tears.

I'm really enjoying Bowling Green State University compared to last semester. I've made some good friends, joined a "club", if you can call FOCUS that, and enjoy being here as a whole. It's true, what Ross says; "The night is darkest before dawn." It's really snowing outside, and I am slacking. I'll post pictures up soon. I've been so behind on posting, and this project is getting boring, but I have one follower :) So, I'm going to continue on! Only another day until Redteam.


27/365

026. So here I am.

It's been a rough day. It's cold and windy. The kind of snow that doesn't stick to the ground is falling from the ground so when the wind sweeps it up, it hits you in the face. It's one of those days that I could just lay in my bed all day and do nothing. I'm going to go take a nap after this. I need to think about what I'm doing here. I don't want to waste money, but honestly, I can't see myself here in three years. I just can't. I don't want to be in the cold for the rest of my life.

26/365

025. Secret Life.

So, Today was alright. I mean, I had classes. Lost of homework, lots of notes that were taken. I'm sitting in my room watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Then at 8pm, Secret Life of the American Teenager is on, and afterwards Make It or Break It is on. The Buried Life is on MTV. Oh, television. Well, bye for life!


25/365

024. Tired is the word.

I am so tired. I'm only posting so I don't ruin this project. I'll talk later. K bye.

24/365

023. K hi!

Well, this is cheap. I'm posting now for the day. Tomorrow is a big Redline day. I'm going to down at least ten advil and pretend I'm not in pain at all. Alright. i'm tired. Peace out, yo.

23/365

022. Never settle.

This is going to have to do for today. I'm at Redline for the weekend. Yay band :) alright well, this has been fun.

22/365

021. We're marching on.

Flashback:

Back to senior year in high school. Back to the band practice after November 5th + Youth at the Booth. That feeling I got as I walked into the band office. The feeling that I knew I was about to get ripped apart for helping people vote. That, "oh yeah, this is going to be a bashing session" feeling. That's the feeling in my gut at this very moment. I feel like I'm preparing for war. I feel like I'm going to have to have a game plan so I don't get walked over. I feel like I'm going to have to make sure I cover my ass and my weaknesses. At the same time, I just want this to be overwith. I did nothing wrong, and I just want to leave this environment where I am treated so poorly. I wish CJB hadn't trained me to be afraid of these" talk-it-out" sessions. Every "talk-it-out" session I ever had with the CJB turned into a bashing session towards myself. I'm getting kind of sick of them. I wish this planet was ideal. The kind of planet where everyone was smart and nice to each other. The kind of planet where people could step up and be like, "oh yeah, i was wrong. I'm sorry." but, sadly we're not that advanced yet. We're not advanced enough to get along with people regardless of opinions, regardless of who we are as individuals. The common man has yet to realize that we're all on this planet together. We haven't yet realized that killing each other and fighting gets us nowhere in life. We have yet to have good enough communication skills to communicate thoroughly to each other. There is a line that is crossed when trying to communicate to one another that distorts the message. For that, I'm sorry. I am sorry that society as we know it just cannot get along.

21/365

020. It's only an average day.

This really is not worth my time. I'm getting really sick of the spreading drama that is occurring because one little girl just cannot confront me. Apparently now, the girls across the hall aren't talking. This is great. This is wonderful. This wouldn't have happened had someone actually confronted me and told me she hates me to my face. But, apparently that is just too much to ask. Honestly, I have to problem with her, I really don't. I don't know what I did wrong, and I was willing to be friends. But, there are just people in this world that you honestly cannot get along with; there are people in this world who just do not want to be friends regardless of the situation. I understand people being non-confrontational; I myself am completely non-confrontational. That's why I've just sat here and put up with her inconsiderate actions. But, at the same time, I was foolish. I should have stood up for myself when I knew what I would be dealing with. I think we're both to blame for this situation that exploded. Although, at the same time, I think she's now purposely being a bitch because she can. I'm just going to sit here and take it, because hopefully, I'll be out of this dorm by next week. God, if that would actually happen, I'd get down on my knees and start thanking Jesus. Like, it'd be wonderful to just chill out in a room without being looked at with such hatred that is in this room. Oh well. I just wrote her a letter and stuck it on her computer.

20/365

019. For me, it's too late.

I'm getting really annoyed with my roommate being inconsiderate. I mean, I don't have a problem that she hates my guts, but I do have a problem that she's disrespectful. Hate me as much as you want to, but at least respect me. I'm sick of being this room and not feeling welcome. I've put up with her disrespect from day one. From that first weekend at 3am when I was trying to sleep, but she wanted to play Mario Kart with some random guy, from having the window open when there are sub-arctic temperatures outside. Isn't it a sign when she turns the light on, leaves the room and comes back to find the light off? Isn't that a sign that that's just rude to leave the light on when I'm sleeping? Isn't it a sign when I ask her to turn the TV down? Apparently not. Apparently it's not enough. I shouldn't have to wear earplugs to sleep because the TV is on when I'm trying to sleep. . . So, I'm done. I'm going to talk to the RA today. I need to get out of here. I don't know where I'm going to go, but I know it needs to be somewhere where I get respect. I don't even know what I did wrong. According to her I am a "fat, smelly, waste of life." Oh, this is high school? I would have never known. I don't care that she talks behind my back. I care that she can't confront me and say it to my face. Nobody deserves to be disrespected, regardless of their situation.
19/365

018. It's not a question of why.

So, I wrote something really boring here. But then I thought. . . why would you want to read something boring. So, I think it's time for the first survey. . . .because I'm a boring college student who has nothing to do but finish surveys. K, this has been fun. Time to begin. . . .

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
A Zombie.
2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
cheese, mayo + tomato and I don't care.
3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
Why does the future of this country look grim?
4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Sleeping?
5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
popcorn + extra butter.
6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
all of the above
7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
shit. that is a good question.
8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
rock.
9. How long was it from 'the first date' until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?
um. what now?
10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
too loud.
11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
consideracy. that's not even a word. but, they have to be considerate.
12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
haha, i don't know. but the speaker system just told me that there's a silver accord in a place that it shouldn't be. oh noes.
13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
um. bowling green. in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.
14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
politics. marriage + family.
15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
once. luckily. i almost failed.
16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
hot fudge + m&ms
17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
everything. legit.
18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
keep the first one.
19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
tv. i can't live without the internet.
where's #20? =(
21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been?
it was like 2.70$ on Saturday when I came back.
22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
it was purple.
23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
housekeeper.
24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
trafffic, man.
25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word?
if a legit brick fell on my foot, i would not be censoring myself. k thanks.

18/365

017. Do you want to give a new nickname to your Pokemon?

Yes, yes I do. I've been spending the entire day renaming all 285 pokemon on my Platinum game. I really have no life. I did my stats homework. I still have GSW + Forensic homework as well as Pop Culture reading to accomplish. Thanks, Martin Luther King Jr., without you, i'd be going to school tomorrow :) That is all for today.

17/365