It's been quite some time since I've written here, but I assure you that I will not stop writing here. It's obviously gotten really sporadic, but tonight, I have a lot of my mind. I always have a lot on my mind. I usually write to my tumblr, but I'm thinking this is the most appropriate place for this very long, very detailed account of the year thus far. Well, maybe not the entire year, but definitely what is going through my mind now, and what's been happening lately.
I'm unaware if I owe anyone any kind of apology. And, to be honest, I'm having a really hard time putting into words what's been happening to me lately. Society today has a social stigma on internet friends. I've always loved internet friends. I was always really into the idea of meeting people outside of my little bubble. The hometown I grew up in was 100% lame and boring, so I sought interesting and new things, which I used the internet for. As much as I loved internet friends, they used to get me into trouble. I'm sure we're all quite aware of Zac Foster, and the shenanigan that happened with that lovely boy. Regardless, this wonderful game named Minecraft has come into the picture. I should have written something about this wonderful game earlier, since I stayed up all night in late December watching this kids let's play of it. This kid is a very large, very important part of the puzzle. Remember him. Anyway, since late February, I've been playing the blocky goodness that is Minecraft multiplayer style. Multiplayer style with the kid I mentioned. I am currently still unaware with how I met said kid, Caboose. I'm 100% incapable of telling you the components that make up our relationship with one another. I can tell you that he has become one of the most important pieces to my life recently. Recently being within the last month. But, regardless, through his multiplayer server, I have met dozens of people. Dozens of absolutely wonderful people, one other very important piece to the puzzle: Chase James.
Recently though, I've found myself hiding more and more on my computer, and doing less and less online. This really really really scares me. I don't want to be a hermit. I want to have a life. I want to have a beautiful, colorful life, and all I can see that is standing in my way is Minecraft multiplayer. So, you say to me, "That's an easy fix, Lnze. Just don't play Minecraft." and I say to you, anonymous reader, "That is easier said than done, for I'm 94% addicted to this blocky goodness." Do you know how I know I'm addicted? The only way I feel human anymore is if I'm holding a conversation with Caboose or Chase or, if I'm playing Minecraft.
Lately, I've been feeling like my world is collapsing and crumbling. I feel like I can see it crumbling right before my brown eyes. In fact, I had a mental breakdown on Saturday night, as I was talking to the second really important piece to my puzzle, Chase.I don't now how I can possibly feel so strongly towards people I've never met in person. I don't know how it's possible to feel like we were meant to meet, but I do. Chase makes me feel like I'm going to be okay. But, as I was talking to him, crying my eyes out, he told me five very important words: "It'll be okay, I promise." And instantly, the rain clouds in my mind dried up. I don't know how I can feel such comfort from someone I've never even shook hands with, but I do. And that is where that social stigma comes back into play. Because I have these connections with people I've never met in my entire life, I'm fighting a battle with society who is made to believe that internet friends are alright, but you're never supposed to get close to them. And because of that, I feel like there is something really, really wrong with me. The fact that if Caboose were to Skype me right now, telling me he needed me ASAP, right now, at 4am, I would get in my car and drive to New Jersey to be with him. I would drive 9+ however many hours it would take.
Those reasons and those feelings are why I react so poorly to joking comments about having internet friends. Joking comments about spending more time with my internet friends than my real life friends. Because I think I almost love my internet friends more than I love my real life friends. Sometimes it's a matter of not knowing what it's like until you've been through it. So, let me explain it to you.
In life, I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm trying to be a wonderful friend to whomever considers me a friend, and I'm trying to be there for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to be the most successful person I can be, what that means, I'm not sure. But, there are a lot of times when life shoots me down. When the people that are physically close to me shoot me down, and aren't there to console me while I'm lying down. When those times happen, Minecraft is always there. When I feel like shit, and I feel like nobody wants me around, I log onto Caboose's server, and instantly, there are 7-10 people who greet me with a smile, and are genuinely glad I exist. The feeling of being reminded that someone cares about you is indescribable. On weekend nights, when I'm Skype-calling Caboose, he doesn't know of my mistakes. At the end of the day, and at the end of our call, he's always going to tell me he loves me. He's not concerned with my flaws, because we've both established we're human and have our flaws. Chase doesn't give a shit that I've fucked up a friendship, and forgotten to turn a library book in. He and I are friends because we've got so much in common. We share the same type of sense of humor, and we have common interests. At the end of the day, he'll still tell me that everything is going to be okay, regardless. There's no judgement whatsoever between us. In the real world, I find it hard to find someone who isn't going to instantly judge you.
I think, in a way, internet friends are almost the purest kind of friend. If you can bond with someone without being around them, there's a different kind of bond there. We can go into the "what if they're lying to you?" debate if you want. And, you know, I'm going to go into that debate. I'm going to just use Caboose and Chase as my examples. My internet friend relationships are different than most. Since I am involved in the Let's Play YouTube community, I do watch videos from people, and Caboose and Chase both make videos. I'm also friends with Caboose on Facebook. Chase and I have had Skype calls. I know what they both look like, and they know what I look like. They both know that I'm legit. I'm a genuine person, and I want to be their friend, and I know that they're not lying either. So, Mr. Debationist, I would have to tell you that you just lost this debate.
So, needless to say, the two very large, very important pieces to my puzzle have been the reason that I am currently still alive, typing this to you. It may be a stretch to say this, but I'm going to anyway. Within the last three months, Caboose has seriously saved my life. I owe him more than he could ever know. And even if we never meet in person, he should probably know that I will love him forever. I am so grateful for his existence. I'm just so fucking glad that both he and Chase are in my life, for the time being, and hopefully for some time to come.
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Stay classy,
Lnze K
