090. Lifeless

- - - shell of a person

I don't feel the drive to do anything anymore.
I've changed. I'm not the same.
I hope this is just a phase.

I want this semester to be over.
I hate my classes & i'm super overwhelmed
I feel like I'm drowning in my life.

I'm sick of this feeling.

90/365

089. You should have killed me when you had the chance.

"Why can't you look me in the eyes one last time?"

I really thought I was going to wash my hands of this situation,
but it keeps coming alive; like that zombie that won't ever be defeated.

I ran into bitch yesterday.

It was so traumatic. I was going to get food, and I opened the door-
she was standing there, trying to open the door the other way.
Of course, she does that cute little bitch thing, and apologizes...
then she realizes it was me opening the door on the otherside

There is no god-damned way she is sorry. She doesn't know how to be sorry.

She makes me so completely sick to my stomach.
Let's be real now. This is real life.
You don't get ahead by being a two-faced bitch.
Let's get over this stage already. We're in college.


89/365

088. My love, my love.

I have never been so tired in my entire life.


9:56pm -

I started this in GSW at 1030am. Then I got distracted.
Today's been a waste of a day. I haven't seen my roommate since breakfast this morning.
and I'm planning on going to sleep soon.
Even though I told Rossie that I'd stay up to talk to him.
Because I miss hearing his voice. I'd rather hear his voice then read messages from him anyway.

I'm such a fool.
I'm going to go evolve a Vulpix now. K bye :)

88/365

087. afnangladngad

i'l write when i'm not dying.


87/365

086. Goin' deaf

oh band. oh band. oh band.
i am tired.



86/365

085. Insane

I must be insane. I've looked at pictures I've drawn. Pictures I've saved.
Pictures that have been in my life. And it has brought me to tears.

Pictures I've drawn-
I must be insane because I haven't 100% moved on from that thing in Indiana (Georgia, now).
I don't know what to do.

Pictures I've saved-
I looked at pictures of my best friend in the entire world, Scotty C. Garlock.
It brought me to tears.

I wish he were in my life.
I wish he was still here.

I love, and miss you Scotty. Come back to me.

85/365

084. Thrown Apart.

I knew we'd grow apart.
The second I accepted the offer to come to Bowling Green.
I knew that we'd start to become distant.
That was my biggest regret.

It took awhile to realize that we weren't going to be best friends like we used to be.
That he wouldn't refer to me as best friend, and that you would push me to the back of your mind.
I went through a long cycle of realizing this.
It was the hardest thing I had to realize. It took months.

I was feeling really reminiscent last night as I looked through all my pictures.

And I realized that I had a lot of friends in high school that I don't talk to anymore.
And that makes me very sad.

I've met a lot of wonderful people as I pretty much toured the state of Michigan with Redline.
But no experience will ever come close to the experiences I had with my best friends from Centerville.
I've met a lot of people, but they can never replace you.
I've had a lot of laughs, and a lot of smiles, but they can never replace the ones I had back home.

I've come to realize that I'm never going to be able to call Centerville home anymore.
That's okay for me. I've come to terms with it.
I struggled to find that sense of home all last semester, and I've found it.
Home is where my friends are. Michigan, UD, Wright State, Hartland.


I know that we'll continue to grow apart,
but I just want you to know that there will always be a place in my heart for you.

<3

84/365

083. Myself.

I get really weird when I get close to people. I get really distant when it gets serious with someone.
The second I feel like someone actually wants to be with me, and actually likes me for who I am,
I start to question what I am. What I believe in. Who I am as a person.
It's hard for me to grasp the concept that someone might reciprocate feeling back to me.
It's never been that way for me.
I'm sorry if I get really distant. I'm really sorry.
I like this boy too much to mess anything up.
But by getting distant, I'm messing it up.

I have serious trust issues.

83/365

082. A Jet for a Day

Shit. I cannot remember what I was going to say. I'm going to get food.
Maybe I'll remember what I was going to say when I get back.

081. I don't care if you don't love me.

I haven't felt like myself in a while. It's kind of annoying.
I don't want to tell Rossie that I have these kind of moods,
but I get kind of depressed, without reasons.



81/ 365

080. Ring, ring.

Eighty days.... EIGHTY DAYS. I never thought I would make it this far. This is exciting. I can't wait to get into triple digit numbers.


That is all. Time to procrastinate bigtime.

80/365

079. Ode to the Psycho Bitch

Dear o' psycho one,

Despite everyone telling me to stop thinking about your pathetic soul, you popped into my mind as I was driving home from Redline this weekend, you know, that activity you made fun of me for. The reason I get up in the morning. The activity I'm involved with, where people actually enjoy my presence. I know you can't relate, and for that, it is unfortunate. I can't say I'm sorry, because you deserve it. You only get what you give, and you never give anything because you don't understand what it means to be charitable. It's sad. What a waste of such a potential. What really got to my soul is this: The fact that I opened myself up to you, but you still chose to be a backstabber. You knew that I wasn't good with people. That I had serious trust issues, but you still chose to use that against me. My Achilles heel; the fact that I couldn't trust people easily. It gets to my soul to know that you're so heartless. You're so heartless that you cannot understand someone else. That you don't understand that everyone has to deal with the consequences of your actions. You are too heartless to understand that you hurt people more than you realize. I know that I, myself am not perfect. I know that I have problems that I need to fix. But I am a step in front of you because I choose to be the better person. To step out and admit that I have issues. I wish only that your roommate next year is forewarned. Forewarned that you are just impossible to live with, to explain things to, and for you to understand others that don't relate in the same way as you. I really hope nobody else has to go through what I had to go through. I would not wish you on my worst enemy.

79/365

078. Aches.

I think I slept on my neck weird cause I can't turn my head. That's unfortunate.


78/365

077. Expecting too much

I always put so much hope into someone.
Then, I'm always disappointed.
I should learn. People are a disappointment.

I'm sorry I trusted you too much.

77/365

076. Chrome.

Switched to Google Chrome again. I dunno, it's a phase. I'm hoping tonight will be a relaxing night. Watching some american idol, talkin' to some Rossie, just chillen. Life is so peaceful right now. It's nice. That's all I have to say.

76/365

075. Not the same.

I miss the Centerville Front Ensemble with all my heart.
I miss Bobbie and Mark and Mackenzie.
I miss the vibraphone section from my freshman year winter.
I miss watching Chris headbutt the wall.
I miss having the miami band camp marimba sectional by the tree with a bike in it.
I miss dissembling the keyboards to put them inside so we wouldn't have to load the truck sophomore year.
I miss not being allowed to go to retreat because we were being "punished".
I miss the bullshit we all put up with.
I miss La Campenella and Not the Same. (I actually do :( )
I miss the Centerville pit dad army.
I miss not having to completely load the truck.
I miss having to put the orchestra room back together and how long it took.
I miss the whole tone scales that were always put into the show late in the season.
I miss Lockjaw and Poprocks.
I miss CF and The Scientist.
I miss the Centerville Pit I used to know. The pit who had fun, but was still absolutely wonderful.
I miss the Centerville Front Ensemble of 2005-2006. My first front ensemble. My favorite ensemble.

Redline is my new home. But it will never be Centerville. It will never be.

074. I worked so hard.

Just to be shut down. I have never worked so hard on a paper in my entire life. Of course, I didn't have "synthesis" - meaning that I put my own thoughts into it. I definitely did here is my paper, bolded is my synthesis. I'm going to fight this. there is no way this is a "not passing" paper. NO WAY.

Imagine today’s typical American household. In most cases, the father is away working a job while the mother stays at home and raises the children. All throughout history, more noticeable in the past than currently, women have traditionally been the gender which stays at home in order to clean the household, cook dinner and greet the children when they arrive from school. When the children are born, women typically spend their time at home and leave their jobs for maternity leave. After the kids grow up and move out, the mother should feel no responsibility for staying at home. Virtually, there is no reason for the mother to remain at home when no kids are left. At the same time, when children are still living at home, it would be foolish to not cherish the time you could potentially have with them. Women should not sacrifice their education in order to raise a household because they need to make the most out of their education and they need to be able to live independently in case of divorce.
Women are getting college degrees, but are they doing anything with them? Not necessarily. In the article “Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood,” author Louise Story states, “Ms. Liu is full of ambition, planning to go to law school. So will she join the long tradition of famous Ivy League graduates? Not likely. By the time she is 30, this accomplished 19 year old expects to be a stay at home mom. ‘My mother’s always told me you can’t be the best career woman and the best mother at the same time.’ Ms. Liu said matter-of-factly, ‘you always have to choose one over the other’ ” (291). According to Story, women are going to college to get an education and eventually ending up staying at home, raising the children. “I’ll have a career until I have two kids. It doesn’t necessarily matter how far you get, it’s kind of like the experience: I have tried what I wanted to do” (Story 294). This is illogical because it is practically a waste of money put into a college education. If women go to college and receive a degree, why would they choose the alternative which is staying at home? Women need to find a common ground between solely working and solely taking care of the kids. Living at home has the potential to make a wife more dependent on her husband for an income. There may come a day when her husband is no longer there, whether it be from divorce or death. What happens to the stay-at-home mother in this situation? She has to fend for herself and potentially her children.
Divorce is an all-too-common occurrence in households in today’s world. In a lot of cases, mothers are the ones who take custody of the child. This can be a bit of a shock to the mother who has spent her life as a stay-at-home mom. For one depending on only her husband, it is a complete lifestyle change. Surviving on one single income is a tough task when raising children. The first task is to try to get a job. This is difficult in two different aspects. First, trying to find a job with no prior experience is challenging. Most of the jobs available will be low-paying, sometimes minimum wage. As a cause of this, the mother may have to go on welfare and receive food stamps in order to put food on the table. Terry Martin Hekker’s article “Paradise Lost (Domestic Division)” speaks of how she had to survive on food stamps after a horrifying divorce. “When I filed my first non-joint tax return, it triggered the shocking notification that I had become eligible for food stamps” (Hekker 248). Although it may be embarrassing to go receive welfare, it is an element that becomes all too common in single mother households. The second problem occurs mentally. After staying at home for many years, it is hard to being working all over again immediately. This is similar to starting school after summer break, for example. It takes a while to become reacquainted to schoolwork and a legit schedule which school offers. Beginning a job is the same way. It is especially challenging for someone who has never had a job before because they are not used to this sort of schedule. These are some of the difficulties which mothers must overcome as a result of divorce.
On the other hand, some argue that it is important for the mother to stay at home to raise children for two crucial reasons. First, society makes it acceptable for women to nurturing and strict in certain, differing situations. Mothers are able to play both roles in a household. On one side, they must be caring towards children and sympathetic in some situations. But, they are able to turn and be able to lay down rules when something is not orderly. Men are usually not able to play both roles. Society deems men as strong and insensitive. They lack the nurturing quality which women are able to do. Secondly, there is a certain bond between mother and child which is lacking between father and child. Childbirth creates this special bond because the woman carries the baby in her body for nine months. Traditionally, children are closer to their mothers because of this bond. Because of these two reasons, women are stereotypically placed at home to watch over the children. This does not serve as a proper excuse for women to sacrifice their college educations in order to maintain the household. Households nowadays need two incomes in order to function properly. “Fewer than 25 percent of American households survive on one paycheck, and in a few years that number will decline to fewer than 20 percent” (Stabiner 296). This shows that one-income households are steadily declining in today’s economy. It is hard to afford many things in today’s economy because inflation is at an all-time high. Simple things like gasoline for vehicles, school lunch for children, and college tuition are rising in prices while paychecks are not increasing. This is why the average single parent working minimum wage cannot support a family. Also, men need to show their faces in a child’s life. For example, imagine a child who never sees his or her father simply because they work all the time. The child may begin to believe their father does not care about time because they never see them. Hope Edelman says in her article “The Myth of Co-Parenting: How it Was Supposed to Be. How it Was” that “my plan had been to [raise our child together]: two responsible parents with two fulfilling jobs, and an egalitarian marriage with a well-adjusted kid who was equally bonded to us both” (325). She is stating that her ideal situation is to offer her children the opportunity to have two parental figures actively contributing and participating in their lives. It is not fair to a child see to only one of two parents on a daily basis. Marriage is about contributing evenly in every aspect of the couples’ life. This includes rearing the children, earning the income, and taking care of household chores. Raising a child is an effort which is not to be taken lightly. It is a long-term commitment which involves two parents being active in their child’s life.
In conclusion, today’s typical household should flexible and be able to change in response to certain situations. Women should be responsible enough to know when it is the right time to stay at home and when they should work. It is ideal for the common woman to maintain a job while taking care of the house, but it should be a combined effort between a man and a woman to raise children. Sacrificing an education, which costs a lot a money today, should not be the deciding factor in the case of choosing whether to stay at home or work.

073. I'm lost without you.

i dont even know.

072. Reflective.

Honestly, I really don't have anything to say. Pat, don't give me shit for this. K thanks ♥

071. Patrick didn't do shit today.

Yeah. Blog post. This is awesome.

71/365

070. Let's waste time.

I realized something really important today. That I do not belong in Ohio. Specifically, Southern Ohio. Because the attitudes vary from region to region. Northern Ohio and Southern Ohio are a miniscule of difference, but it's still a difference like night and day. That this negative atmosphere I'm placed in right now, directly translates to my everyday life. I'm a better person in Michigan. I truly am. It's because in Michigan, I'm welcomed with open arms, while, here, I'm welcomed, but the facade of open arms fades within the first ten minutes of being home. So, I want to leave. I want to spend my summer somewhere else. Because Southern Ohio is no longer called home. It's just not. Home is where the heart is, and although I grew up in this house, I am a part of this house, this house is no longer a home to me. It's time to move on. It's time for my heart to grow up.

70/365

069. Demons? Confronted.

It is absolutely outrageous that one human being is capable of sucking all the happiness from the two happiest things I have in my life: Redline and Ross. But, someone has succeeded in doing so. I hope he's happy. I hope it was worth it. I hope it was worth making me feel miserable. I've dealt with his jealousy issues all throughout high school- but we've grown up. We're in college now. It's time to enter the real world. Where jealousy will get you nowhere. I'm sick of having something important in my life- something that makes me unconditionally happy, just to tell him, thinking he'll be happy because that's what friends do. When I do tell him, he ends up sucking the happiness out of it. It's not even worth it anymore. I'm just going to go back to leaving the happiness to my true friends. The people who are happy just because I'm happy. And when they say it, I buy into it. I have never bought into that lie he's told me. I'm sick of it! I really am. I'm done. I'm putting my foot down. I'm confronting my demon before I'm squished beneath it. I'm getting out before it's too late. I'm moving on with my life. I wish he knew how much it's time to move on. It was time to move on three years ago after it didn't work out for evident reasons.

Nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to. Hopefully that's a statement for the past.

69/365

068. What do you want from me?

It's currently 11:35pm. It's probably going to take me longer than 25 minutes to completely compose my thoughts on this subject, because it's annoyed me for almost three years. I have a lot of strong thoughts and comments I'm about to make. There is no intent of offense behind this. Alright, disclaimer aside. Let's begin.


Almost three years ago; my sweet sixteenth birthday party. It was anything but sweet. I had all my best friends invited and he made me feel sorry, so I invited him. In a sense, he invited himself. As he did with my life. He invited himself into my life. I never really gave him permission. He locked himself in my bathroom for 6/8 of the party. For one of the last 1/8. he proceeded to pace around my front yard as my parents giggled in the living room. I was so embarrassed, and I knew they knew. The last 1/8, he guilted me into "dating" him. I use that term- "dating", casually, because I could only put up with him for a total of like, 5 days, maybe six. Definitely not more. I "dumped" him on Facebook, because I couldn't think of a better way to do so. In hidesight, I would have given him more respect. In this situation, it was the, "I like you, only because you like me." I don't know what he saw in me, and I don't care to find out. He's always been jealous of the boys I've liked; Scotty Garlock, Andin, Michael Morris, Scotty Holzman and Max and most definitely Nick Allen. Now, he's got some kind of deal with Ross. I don't care. I like this boy, and I think he likes me. That's all that really matters in my book. We make each other happy, and I don't need a "ex-boyfriend-esque" figure's acceptance to spend time with Rossie. I've put up with this boy's issues about me, about his girlfriends he "loves" so much. I've put up with him for so long, that I'm sick of it now. I'm willing to be his friend, but it's like a broken record. He'll only talk to me when I'm not seeing someone, because if I mention that boy, or if I mention how I'm marching Redline, he gets jealous and turns me off. He ignores me. It's time to get over the things I've got in my life, Tyler, and move on with yours. It's always the same buttons I push. The jealousy ones, that I don't even mean to push. If you were a real friend, like you say you are, you'd be happy that I've got someone in my life that makes me unconditionally smile. You'd be happy that I'm participating in an activity that I've unconditionally fallen in love for. Obviously, you're not a "real" friend- whatever those really are. I've lost the definition in all of your drama.

68/365

067. I need you like the ocean needs the waves

Redline yesterday; 9am-5pm - left exactly at 5pm. It took me 3.5 hours to get home. I arrived, tired, but safe at 830pm. Wooo. I played a little Animal Crossing and Kingdom Hearts and then I fell asleep at 11pm. Yeah, that's my exciting Sunday.


Monday; It's SPRING BREAKKKKK! WOOOO

67/365

066. Tell me you love me.

I have an unnatural obsession with coldplay.

66/365

065. Well, see what had happened...

Yeah, redline time! Wooooo

064. Talkshow on Mute

k. i'm using a pc. and i dont know how to use it. so im just gunna go now. k awesome

64/365

063. Gimme, gimme a break.

Foout is coming today! She's in Findlay getting gas as of 5 minutes ago.
I'm so excited-but I have so much to do before I leave tomorrow for Redline and then Spring Break

I need to pack
I need to find my music
I need to write GSW paper =(
I need to spend a lot of money on my meal plan
I need to clean
I need to do some laundry? Maybe.

I need to do a lot.
Gimme a break, please.

:) 63/365

062. I don't mind.

I don't mind if I have to wait forever.
I don't mind waiting for you.
I don't mind spending my days and nights in a freezing state.
I don't mind getting no sleep as I wait for you to text me back.
I don't mind being a loser if it means I get to be with you.
I don't mind smiling every time I think of you.
I don't mind laying in bed trying to sleep, but having you on my mind 24/7

it's alright. i don't mind. i want you in my life forever. :) <3
"I've only got forever, and forever is fine." -AMD Vegas Skies by The Cab


62/365

061. So predictable

I cannot wait for spring break. That's really all I have to say for today. That I enjoy talking to certain michigan people, and that i cannot wait to be out of bgsu for an entire week! although, i'm going to have to drive from dayton to michigan twice. i'm not a fan of that. definitely not. oh well. the things i do for love :)


61/365

060. All this time, I was waiting for you.

You say I'm lucky to love someone who loves me. I truly am lucky. I've been really digging the new OneRepublic CD, "Waking Up". It's rad. I enjoy it. I talked to Rossie until midnight last night. He makes me miss Michigan. He makes me want to transfer to MSU tomorrow. I want to. I want to spend my time with him. Someone who makes me smile. Granted, I have wonderful friends at BGSU, and a wonderful roommate, but Rossie tops them all. God. My heart is at home again.

I'm healed, I'm good to go, thanks :)

60/365 - HAPPY MARCH! I've made it two months! :)