it's your world; i'm just living in it

 I've been doing my own thing for long enough - five years at least. All I've known since I've been considered a young professional is how to take care of myself - I haven't had the distraction of other people in my life, because after my last relationship, the idea of being around anyone for multiple days each week & having someone in my space was entirely too much for me to handle and it overwhelmed and swallowed me whole.

Tell me why my entire brain chemistry has been suddenly altered? Why all of a sudden my brain gets foggy and all I can think about is this one person - I want to spend more time than there is in the day, I'm willing to throw down everything to just lay there next to him. To have him put his arms around me, kiss me in the dark. To be asleep in the middle of the night, roll over and have him bring me close for 5 minutes before he overheats and has to rotate away from me. Those 5 minutes are the minutes I want to live in. Do I want to call it love? Honestly, I'm scared to because I know it's not love to him yet. But I hope maybe someday it will be. It's an investment I'm making right now to this boy who I've known for three weeks - I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. Would I fling myself off a fucking bridge if I knew it would get you one step closer to considering me your girlfriend? Yeah, I absolutely would. Have I already thought about how I would let you move into my house with me when your lease is over? Yeah, I have - and I would. Have I thought about how I'd marry you if you asked but I know you'd never ask me? Yeah, I have.

My brain continually goes back to all of the things you have done for me in these three weeks. I've never met someone who cares for me the way you do. Folding my clothes after I take them off. Carrying my stuff inside when you meet me from my car. Walking me back out to my car. Going to get my work laptop from my car at 6am after I mention I need to get it AND making me coffee. Tucking me in the first time I spent the night. 

It's bonkers - my brain knows that it's bonkers but there are three brain cells in there that are manning the ship, sailing it back to Clifton every chance I get to lay in his bed in an apartment with no furniture, bad circulation, and loud neighbors. I am fully aware of how chronically insane it is to fall this hard and this fast for someone you've known less than 3 weeks, but he's been on my mind more in these three weeks than my soulmate cat, Rosie, has been. I think about him when I wake up, as I'm driving into work, as I'm sitting at work - as I'm leaving, hoping we can spend time together before I migrate up north. Everything about this is triggering my anxious attachment style beyond repair. But I tell myself that this is a learning experience for me - his avoidant attachment and my anxious attachment can work, but it will take work and a conversation that hasn't been broached yet.

His avoidant attachment triggers when I text him too much - he tells me he "may never have a significant other because of how stressful it is." I thought it was going to implode that day - it made me nauseous beyond belief. How can you only be in my life for 18 days and have me that sick to my stomach thinking about you not being here anymore? I'm learning that giving people space doesn't mean they'll take it and run away forever. I'm learning that I have to voice my anxious tendencies so they know how I'm feeling - I need to advocate for myself.

I was in the middle of writing this to sort out my feelings but the man said he feels comfortable coming over to my house for the weekend and now I am smiling too much and distracted, so I guess I'll update this when I remember. 

Or I'll just come back to it in three years and have no idea who I'm talking about because I didn't put his name in this entry. 

I've spent too much time in a place I don't belong.

To whom it may concern,

I've actually thought about dying more in the last month than I have in a very long time. Maybe it's my brain becoming unstable again, my medications wearing off, or any other reason under the sun.

Throughout it all, there's been an oasis to keep my joy. A place that I can always rely on to bring a smile to my face. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud type it out, but the Butthole Brigade has truly kept me alive. It really does seem dumb, but that little discord server has done everything a therapist should have done.

I feel like my life revolves around 12AM GMT. The time when we're all available to talk. I tell my brain to just hold out until then. The reward is an hour or two of forgetting the circle of hell that I'm in. To watch Charlie walk with confidence in Fortnite, watch Omeyn build something stupid in Minecraft, or watch Andy make another dumb meme in Photoshop.

It's crazy how someone you've never met can give you such a new viewpoint on life. I truly feel like we were all meant to be friends. I thought our friendship was one sided. It wasn't until Wednesday that I realized it wasn't. Charlie telling me to eat something and go to sleep when it's 5am is just an example of the kind of support that I wish I had in real life. I wish I had a friend who actually cared about my wellbeing, but unfortunately, I live in a world where nobody cares whether I'm dead or alive.

I've lived in a world for two years where there hasn't been much of a cloud of happiness. In fact, before I met Charlie, Fred, Krista & Andy, I didn't even have a reliable internet friend. I haven't had a reliable internet friend for a very long time. Who would have thought it would be a kid with the minecraft name Noose_Please?

It's very rare that you truly connect with someone on the internet, and it lasts for more than a month. I feel very vulnerable in this state. I've told these strangers on the internet more about me than most of the people in my actual real life. It's this reason that I am so defensive about this stupid little Discord server. It's my one safe haven in a place of toxicity. That toxicity is something I don't want to infiltrate the only place I find solace. I've said it multiple times and I stand by it: that Discord is a safe place. A safe place to be yourself, to express what's wrong and get the support that everyone needs.

Nothing lasts forever, and I'm not blind. I know that eventually we'll all fall apart and I'll be back on my own. Reverting back to that state is going to take an adjustment period. A mourning period. Mourning of the company that I used to have. But for the time being, yes, I am alive because of my internet friends.

Sincerely,
Someone trying not to drown

i can't drown my demons; they know how to swim.

This blog has been documenting my rollercoaster ride of life - mental health, relationships with others as well as myself and everything in between.

It's very clear that I've been struggling with the ability to be okay for at least a decade. I've had my mountains to climb and valleys to fall into, but at the end of the day, I'm still alive. I have waited more than 10 years for someone to reach their hand out and pull me out of the ocean, as I'm struggling to stay afloat.

It's pretty obvious that nobody is coming to save me. It's pretty obvious that I am the hero of this story; even if I'm the worst hero the world has ever known. A hero who can't even save themself let alone an entire world.

Just because nobody will save me doesn't 

limit my ability to save someone else.

I don't think anyone else should have to struggle and walk the dangerous road alone when it comes to mental health. I don't believe mental health should be a topic swept under the rug. I think more of us are struggling than we'd like to admit. And to struggle alone; to be that strong for so long... that's a battle that nobody has to fight.

There have been no consistencies in my life in the last ten years except for my battle for life and my journey to feel okay. There have been #trendingtopics, but nothing that has stayed the same throughout my life. I think the most prevalent topic that has stayed the same is my need for internet friends. Some people don't view internet friends as "real friends" because they'll never see them, never meet them, never shake their hands. I call absolute bullshit on that.

At one point in time, I never thought I would live to see the ripe old age of 25. When I was in high school I thought I would have absolutely off-ed myself before 25. I owe my life to an internet friend I met a long time ago. I would have never thought that when C8H10N4O2 joined JuiceCraft, that he would be the one to keep me alive, many years later.

I've had many groups of internet friends in the last ten years - mostly surrounding Minecraft, but also in other places and melding together into one weird batch of humans that understand me. Most of them fade away, but a few have been there from the very beginning. One, I've known since 2012. He's been with me through everything. The ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the loss of wanting to live. He's been there through it all, and I don't know about you - but support is support, no matter where it comes from.

Some have faded from my life, but there are still strings of contact. Thinking back to them, I can tell you with certainty that I miss them all. I miss the early days of Minecraft; joining a creative server and making some of the greatest friends I've ever known. No matter where Caboose478 ends up in life, I thank him for showing me the joy that internet friends can be. Through that server is how I met Sam, the first person to show me unconditional love and support. Sometimes people ask the question:

"How can you fall in love with someone you've never met before?"

Easy - you fall in love with the way they make you feel. You fall in love with the time you spend with them. You fall in love with the part of your life that they are now part of. Sam and I had a pretty toxic relationship towards the end, and it was so long ago that I don't truly remember it, but what I do remember is that he taught me that I am worthy of love; I am worthy of being something to someone.

I've had so many groups of friends in the last seven years; some stay with you for a long time, and others slowly disappear into the ether, never to be heard from again. It's understandable - the number of real-life friends that I used to have compared to the friends I have now is substantially smaller than I could have ever imagined. But they still change who you are as a person. Regardless of how long they're in your life, you'll still learn something from them. I believe that nobody comes into your life and changes you for "the worse". I think that even the people who are toxic can teach you what kind of person you DON'T want to be.

I forgot that this blog existed and that I've been writing in it for 10 years. That's more of a commitment than I can make to a person, a situation, a job. I haven't written in it all year because this has been a really weird year. A year of solitude, a year of living - but not thriving. My depression is back down in a valley and being alone makes that valley even steeper. I've managed to avoid any kind of heartbreak this year, but only because I never volunteered myself into a situation where I could get hurt. After Jake lulled me into a false sense of security, made me believe that soul mates existed and then crushed my every being again, I just don't have it in me to do anything like that again.

I've only known the current group of internet friends for roughly a month and they have brought joy back into my life that I didn't know was possible. For a quick minute every evening I forget that my brain is trying to pull tricks on me. I forget that my brain is trying to freak out for no reason; fall into a pit of despair for the fun of it. 

The Weakest Loyalties

It's that time of year again; the time of year when people write social media posts reflecting on their year - the good, the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately for me, 2018 has been a slow burn of awful, and I can't wait to see this year go away forever.

This was the year of inappropriate comments. "If I had a million dollars, I'd promote your coworkers to managers and hire a marketing manager because I don't think you can do it." "Do me a favor, at your next job, keep your depression to yourself." "We think you're suicidal." "You got what you deserved, you petulant child."

Words truly hurt more than anything else in this world. You can heal from broken bones, broken hearts, lacerations, etc. Words tend to sneak up into the folds of your brain and hide away, only peeking when they know you're at your weakest, most vulnerable stage.

I've been at this new job for six months, and in six months, my life has done nothing but stabilize. A boss that I truly loved gave her resignation and I'm facing being literally the only one on the payroll. Being overworked and underpaid, yet again. The six months before that, I suffered extreme emotional abuse from people that I trusted. The individuals who I thought were my friends, even after I chose to be brave and leave no longer want to have conversations and hang out with me. There's not a friendly face in sight where I once called home. Loyalties are often not as strong as they seem.

I can't say I didn't see it coming. I can't say I didn't see my name getting rubbed in the dirt, even after I was assured it wouldn't. I can't say that I didn't expect to be talked about, laughed about and overall disrespected when I'm not able to stand up for myself. The M.O. of the place I called home is only loyal as long as you are there.

Unfortunately, it breeds from the top down, infecting the world around it. You don't realize how truly ugly it is until you're so deeply intertwined, unable to escape without harming yourself. A sociopathic run organization is dangerous. The mass public is unaware of how heartless the leaders are to those willing to help them. They only see the "greater good". Nothing will change until the top changes, but how many people will be hurt and damaged before that happens?

A Sole Adventurer

It's been a whole week since I've started this new adventure and I can officially say that I feel very alone. My last place of employment was truly my home; where my heart could finally be happy. I had a group of people I could call my friends - laugh with, complain with, etc. Now, I am stuck in a cubicle in the middle of a convention center, in the middle of a busy city with nobody to call home.

I get up before the sun rises, to a home that I bought in hopes to share it with friends, family, and anyone who would be willing to spend time with me. My father doesn't want to spend time there - simply doing the tasks I ask him to do and leaving. He's wrapped up in his world, and won't give the time of day to me or my mother. He's become very selfish with his time and rude to anyone who asks for it.

I spend my commute wishing that I was driving to a place that had laughter, happiness, and smiles. It only takes 13 minutes to get into the city, but the entire time I wish I was going the other way. I'm dressed like an adult and miss my jeans every working day. I drive into the parking garage, flash the card that opens the gate and continue in. I walk across the pedestrian bridge and into the convention center, all the while not seeing another person. I spend the majority of my day alone, staring at two screens as I schedule Facebook posts, complete the daily Sudoku in the paper, and wishing there were kittens here for me to pet.

I don't know what this world has in store for me, but I do know that I don't think I will be at this place of employment very long. Making a difference is what I wanted to do with my life, and I can't make any difference from a cubicle, besides prettying up the workspace to complement the grey walls that are surrounding me.

I think I will feel better about this decision I've made in a few months. Maybe I'll get a sign from a God above to help me feel better about it. Right now, I'm just working through the grieving process. I'm grieving for the career I could have had, and the fact that it was ripped out of my hands. I'm grieving for the friends I had to leave behind and the difference I could have made. I'm grieving knowing that I had a future in animal welfare, and one awful person ruined it for me.

For the unforeseeable future, I am the sole adventurer - hoping and praying another sole adventure crosses my path.

Lesser than thou

Somewhere, someone has convinced me that I am the lowest on the totem pole. I've been spending considerable time and energy the past three years correcting that assumption of myself.

Every relationship I have ever been in has been toxic. They've all done things to destroy the sense of self that I once had. Trying to be okay has been a reoccurring theme on this blog, and it will continue to be a theme as long as I am alive. While that could be a year, it could easily be 50+ years as well.

Joe broke everything I ever was without even thinking. He valued so many things over who I was as a person that he didn't think before he acted and as a result, broke my soul into the puzzle that lays before me. He was my best friend and someone I thought I was going to marry and spend forever with and then suddenly he was nothing and I was alone. The thing I hate the most is that I have to drag him with me where ever I go. While I may not think about it 24/7 anymore, every time I enter a new relationship he shows up, rearing his ugly fucking head, making his presence known.

Robbie. Oh, Robbie. I forgot his name for awhile since I've been referring to him as Computer Duster - or Dusty for short. Our relationship was short, but I learned so very much from him. As I was putting the pieces back together, he pushed the puzzle back off the table and onto the floor. The moment he hit me, he changed me. I realized that standing up for myself was a necessary evil in this world. There was nobody else there to protect me. That moment, I turned from the damsel in distress into the Princess who's willing to kick ass and take names. That moment, I swore I would never be hit by another person in my entire life. That was the moment I realized that I had to save myself from the castle and the dragon.

Christopher was blissfully ignorant. Sheltered and unaware, he didn't understand anything about the real world, as much as he pretended to. He was afraid to go to college, he was afraid to get a real job and he had never met a person in his life who battled General Anxiety Disorder or Depression. When he met me, he thought I was one of a kind and that all you had to do was be happy and the depression would magically disappear. He thought that it was something I could control. While I wasn't happy throughout that relationship, I was happy to see him go.

Finally, Bryan. Oh, Bryan. My not-a-boyfriend boyfriend. He copied my key without my knowledge. He spent more time in my apartment than I did. I thought I could fix him. I saw someone who had never been loved by anyone and my heart started to grow. He was a project that I should have never taken on, because I think he messed me up the most. This space that I am sitting in right now is the place that I call home. This is my safe place. It was my safe place until he came in and destroyed it all. Since that day, I have never spent a day in this apartment alone. I will never spend a day in this apartment alone as long as I live here.

It's time that I see myself as someone who deserves to sit in the throne. Someone who deserves to be at the top of the totem pole. I'm never going to depend upon any one else to help me feel like I deserve it. I can only really depend upon myself to get me there.

This time is different.

I have always written in this blog when something has gone wrong or conversely, when something has gone right. While I don't know if this is the beginning of something shiny and new, what I do know is that something is happening.

I am nowhere near where I was three years ago. I have been picking up the pieces to a puzzle and realizing that not all the pieces are there. The puzzle will never be 100% back to where it is. But that doesn't mean that I can't create new pieces to a completely different puzzle.

It's never been easy, and it will never be easy. I always hoped that I could be that person that I used to be. This last week, I have learned that I am better than I was before. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that I am capable of wanting to be something totally different.

I can feel my world on the edge of something large. I can tell that the way I am right now is only temporary and that different things are on the horizon.

---

You are not the person I thought that I would fall for. But you are someone who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. When I am with you, suddenly the world is a little brighter. You are someone who is able to deal with my bullshit and give it right back to me. I need someone in my life that is able to keep me on my toes. You make me feel safer than I have ever felt in my entire life. I am afraid to let go of the edge and depend on you to help me float, only because history proves that sinking will happen before swimming will.

--

Just because I feel like everything is going to be okay doesn't mean that it is going to end up that way. In the long run, you have many battles ahead - and I'm signing up for them. I want to stand next to you and hold your hand while you fight through them, just as you will help me fight my demons.