I've been stuck in this rut. I'm stuck in many a rut, but this one I've been in before, but just different circumstances. I hate not being in control. It's my worst nightmare. I can drive 90 mph on the high way, but the second I get in a rollercoaster and give up control of how fast I'm going and where I'm going, I get anxiety attacks. The same is true for my life. The second I'm not in control of my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, I start to get anxiety attacks.
The worst feeling in the world is to fall for someone who hates themselves so much that they're destined to blow up and destroy everything in their life. They don't even see how much you care for them. They need to end the pain. How do I know this? I've been there. I saw many a boy fall for me when I was in the self-destructive state that I was in for the past couple of years. Why do you think I sent one packing right before I self-destructed last semester? Because I know how much it sucks to want to help someone and not have anything to do to help them.
Being on the other side of this equation is the worst thing ever. I now know that I ended my last relationship when I should have. I can justify my thoughts and actions by the situation that I am in right now. I feel so helpless, wanting to help someone and knowing that there is literally nothing I can do to benefit them. I just want to reach out and hug them, but unfortunately the internet prohibits me from doing so.
On the topic of the internet, sometimes I just want to throw my computer against a wall for letting me meet all these fantastic people that have their arms wide open to accept me. The issue with meeting these people, is knowing that there is a 95% chance that I will never get to look them in the eye and thank them for saving my life. The depression that I have isn't as bad when I talk to them. When they talk me through things.
I listen to some of the players on my minecraft server, and what they've been through. How they've evolved into wonderful individuals, and conquered so many things. Then I sit here and think about myself and my situation. A white chick who grew up in the suburbs, went to the best high school in the area, was part of a great marching band and made a ton of friends through it. My parents are paying for my education in college. I get to major in what I want to major in. I don't have many friends, but I've got a nice group of them. I get to talk to my parents every day. They love and care about me. I really have nothing wrong with my life. But I'm not happy, nor have I ever really been. Most people would say that I'm selfish. I have to agree with them. I take a lot of things for granted. I really hate myself for doing so.
I hate myself for a lot of reasons, that I'm trying to overcome. I've climbed up mountains from where I used to be, but I'm no where through the entire mountain range. There are many a battle I have ahead of me. I just hope that when the time comes, if I'm not strong enough, I have someone to pick me up when I fall.
