I've spent too much time in a place I don't belong.

To whom it may concern,

I've actually thought about dying more in the last month than I have in a very long time. Maybe it's my brain becoming unstable again, my medications wearing off, or any other reason under the sun.

Throughout it all, there's been an oasis to keep my joy. A place that I can always rely on to bring a smile to my face. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud type it out, but the Butthole Brigade has truly kept me alive. It really does seem dumb, but that little discord server has done everything a therapist should have done.

I feel like my life revolves around 12AM GMT. The time when we're all available to talk. I tell my brain to just hold out until then. The reward is an hour or two of forgetting the circle of hell that I'm in. To watch Charlie walk with confidence in Fortnite, watch Omeyn build something stupid in Minecraft, or watch Andy make another dumb meme in Photoshop.

It's crazy how someone you've never met can give you such a new viewpoint on life. I truly feel like we were all meant to be friends. I thought our friendship was one sided. It wasn't until Wednesday that I realized it wasn't. Charlie telling me to eat something and go to sleep when it's 5am is just an example of the kind of support that I wish I had in real life. I wish I had a friend who actually cared about my wellbeing, but unfortunately, I live in a world where nobody cares whether I'm dead or alive.

I've lived in a world for two years where there hasn't been much of a cloud of happiness. In fact, before I met Charlie, Fred, Krista & Andy, I didn't even have a reliable internet friend. I haven't had a reliable internet friend for a very long time. Who would have thought it would be a kid with the minecraft name Noose_Please?

It's very rare that you truly connect with someone on the internet, and it lasts for more than a month. I feel very vulnerable in this state. I've told these strangers on the internet more about me than most of the people in my actual real life. It's this reason that I am so defensive about this stupid little Discord server. It's my one safe haven in a place of toxicity. That toxicity is something I don't want to infiltrate the only place I find solace. I've said it multiple times and I stand by it: that Discord is a safe place. A safe place to be yourself, to express what's wrong and get the support that everyone needs.

Nothing lasts forever, and I'm not blind. I know that eventually we'll all fall apart and I'll be back on my own. Reverting back to that state is going to take an adjustment period. A mourning period. Mourning of the company that I used to have. But for the time being, yes, I am alive because of my internet friends.

Sincerely,
Someone trying not to drown

i can't drown my demons; they know how to swim.

This blog has been documenting my rollercoaster ride of life - mental health, relationships with others as well as myself and everything in between.

It's very clear that I've been struggling with the ability to be okay for at least a decade. I've had my mountains to climb and valleys to fall into, but at the end of the day, I'm still alive. I have waited more than 10 years for someone to reach their hand out and pull me out of the ocean, as I'm struggling to stay afloat.

It's pretty obvious that nobody is coming to save me. It's pretty obvious that I am the hero of this story; even if I'm the worst hero the world has ever known. A hero who can't even save themself let alone an entire world.

Just because nobody will save me doesn't 

limit my ability to save someone else.

I don't think anyone else should have to struggle and walk the dangerous road alone when it comes to mental health. I don't believe mental health should be a topic swept under the rug. I think more of us are struggling than we'd like to admit. And to struggle alone; to be that strong for so long... that's a battle that nobody has to fight.

There have been no consistencies in my life in the last ten years except for my battle for life and my journey to feel okay. There have been #trendingtopics, but nothing that has stayed the same throughout my life. I think the most prevalent topic that has stayed the same is my need for internet friends. Some people don't view internet friends as "real friends" because they'll never see them, never meet them, never shake their hands. I call absolute bullshit on that.

At one point in time, I never thought I would live to see the ripe old age of 25. When I was in high school I thought I would have absolutely off-ed myself before 25. I owe my life to an internet friend I met a long time ago. I would have never thought that when C8H10N4O2 joined JuiceCraft, that he would be the one to keep me alive, many years later.

I've had many groups of internet friends in the last ten years - mostly surrounding Minecraft, but also in other places and melding together into one weird batch of humans that understand me. Most of them fade away, but a few have been there from the very beginning. One, I've known since 2012. He's been with me through everything. The ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the loss of wanting to live. He's been there through it all, and I don't know about you - but support is support, no matter where it comes from.

Some have faded from my life, but there are still strings of contact. Thinking back to them, I can tell you with certainty that I miss them all. I miss the early days of Minecraft; joining a creative server and making some of the greatest friends I've ever known. No matter where Caboose478 ends up in life, I thank him for showing me the joy that internet friends can be. Through that server is how I met Sam, the first person to show me unconditional love and support. Sometimes people ask the question:

"How can you fall in love with someone you've never met before?"

Easy - you fall in love with the way they make you feel. You fall in love with the time you spend with them. You fall in love with the part of your life that they are now part of. Sam and I had a pretty toxic relationship towards the end, and it was so long ago that I don't truly remember it, but what I do remember is that he taught me that I am worthy of love; I am worthy of being something to someone.

I've had so many groups of friends in the last seven years; some stay with you for a long time, and others slowly disappear into the ether, never to be heard from again. It's understandable - the number of real-life friends that I used to have compared to the friends I have now is substantially smaller than I could have ever imagined. But they still change who you are as a person. Regardless of how long they're in your life, you'll still learn something from them. I believe that nobody comes into your life and changes you for "the worse". I think that even the people who are toxic can teach you what kind of person you DON'T want to be.

I forgot that this blog existed and that I've been writing in it for 10 years. That's more of a commitment than I can make to a person, a situation, a job. I haven't written in it all year because this has been a really weird year. A year of solitude, a year of living - but not thriving. My depression is back down in a valley and being alone makes that valley even steeper. I've managed to avoid any kind of heartbreak this year, but only because I never volunteered myself into a situation where I could get hurt. After Jake lulled me into a false sense of security, made me believe that soul mates existed and then crushed my every being again, I just don't have it in me to do anything like that again.

I've only known the current group of internet friends for roughly a month and they have brought joy back into my life that I didn't know was possible. For a quick minute every evening I forget that my brain is trying to pull tricks on me. I forget that my brain is trying to freak out for no reason; fall into a pit of despair for the fun of it.