I'm on the top of a mountain – metaphorically. I really don't enjoy heights, because the higher you are the farther you have to fall. And with my distrust in people, I don't enjoy falling, knowing that generally, there will be nobody there to catch me.
I try really really hard to not get feelings and emotions involved when I work, because feelings at the workplace is the last place that they belong. I find that being generally heartless at work is the best way to go. Things don't get messy. I can't feel my heart getting ripped out if I don't have one. I have tried so hard to stay unattached to people this season, and I honestly think I'm sucking at it. I didn't want to make friends, so I wouldn't be letting people down by disappearing when the time comes.
Back to the mountain. This mountain I'm on top of, it's got a pretty steep edge that cuts off, and goes plummeting down into a ravine. It's a pretty steep fall, a fall that you wouldn't want to deal with if you could help it. It's practically straight down, but it does have a few roots growing out, and rocks that you could potentially hold on to to prolong your immediate fall. This mountain, it's in my head. Suddenly, I'm not in control of things for half a second, and I find a swift breeze takes me off guard and I lose my balance. Into that ravine I find myself falling. Luckily, I'm able to come back and realize whats happening, and grab onto a couple rocks. As I'm clawing my way to attempt to keep myself from hitting the bottom, it's the most helpless feeling that there could ever be in the world. I can't even explain what could possibly be going through my mind. A frenzy of things, but most importantly, I'm just hoping that there will be some angel that catches me so I don't plummet into that ravine all alone.
That half a second that I wasn't in control has left me spiraling out of control. I can't think straight, I can't focus. I can't do anything without getting distracted. I just want to go back to college and live alone so I don't have to focus on the distraction. Everytime I walk into work, my mind is spinning. I can't function properly. I've been fighting this inner battle of whether to give and see if this could work, or trying to detach myself completely, and neither side has won, because I haven't given myself the approval to let one side win.
