Lesser than thou

Somewhere, someone has convinced me that I am the lowest on the totem pole. I've been spending considerable time and energy the past three years correcting that assumption of myself.

Every relationship I have ever been in has been toxic. They've all done things to destroy the sense of self that I once had. Trying to be okay has been a reoccurring theme on this blog, and it will continue to be a theme as long as I am alive. While that could be a year, it could easily be 50+ years as well.

Joe broke everything I ever was without even thinking. He valued so many things over who I was as a person that he didn't think before he acted and as a result, broke my soul into the puzzle that lays before me. He was my best friend and someone I thought I was going to marry and spend forever with and then suddenly he was nothing and I was alone. The thing I hate the most is that I have to drag him with me where ever I go. While I may not think about it 24/7 anymore, every time I enter a new relationship he shows up, rearing his ugly fucking head, making his presence known.

Robbie. Oh, Robbie. I forgot his name for awhile since I've been referring to him as Computer Duster - or Dusty for short. Our relationship was short, but I learned so very much from him. As I was putting the pieces back together, he pushed the puzzle back off the table and onto the floor. The moment he hit me, he changed me. I realized that standing up for myself was a necessary evil in this world. There was nobody else there to protect me. That moment, I turned from the damsel in distress into the Princess who's willing to kick ass and take names. That moment, I swore I would never be hit by another person in my entire life. That was the moment I realized that I had to save myself from the castle and the dragon.

Christopher was blissfully ignorant. Sheltered and unaware, he didn't understand anything about the real world, as much as he pretended to. He was afraid to go to college, he was afraid to get a real job and he had never met a person in his life who battled General Anxiety Disorder or Depression. When he met me, he thought I was one of a kind and that all you had to do was be happy and the depression would magically disappear. He thought that it was something I could control. While I wasn't happy throughout that relationship, I was happy to see him go.

Finally, Bryan. Oh, Bryan. My not-a-boyfriend boyfriend. He copied my key without my knowledge. He spent more time in my apartment than I did. I thought I could fix him. I saw someone who had never been loved by anyone and my heart started to grow. He was a project that I should have never taken on, because I think he messed me up the most. This space that I am sitting in right now is the place that I call home. This is my safe place. It was my safe place until he came in and destroyed it all. Since that day, I have never spent a day in this apartment alone. I will never spend a day in this apartment alone as long as I live here.

It's time that I see myself as someone who deserves to sit in the throne. Someone who deserves to be at the top of the totem pole. I'm never going to depend upon any one else to help me feel like I deserve it. I can only really depend upon myself to get me there.

This time is different.

I have always written in this blog when something has gone wrong or conversely, when something has gone right. While I don't know if this is the beginning of something shiny and new, what I do know is that something is happening.

I am nowhere near where I was three years ago. I have been picking up the pieces to a puzzle and realizing that not all the pieces are there. The puzzle will never be 100% back to where it is. But that doesn't mean that I can't create new pieces to a completely different puzzle.

It's never been easy, and it will never be easy. I always hoped that I could be that person that I used to be. This last week, I have learned that I am better than I was before. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that I am capable of wanting to be something totally different.

I can feel my world on the edge of something large. I can tell that the way I am right now is only temporary and that different things are on the horizon.

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You are not the person I thought that I would fall for. But you are someone who makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. When I am with you, suddenly the world is a little brighter. You are someone who is able to deal with my bullshit and give it right back to me. I need someone in my life that is able to keep me on my toes. You make me feel safer than I have ever felt in my entire life. I am afraid to let go of the edge and depend on you to help me float, only because history proves that sinking will happen before swimming will.

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Just because I feel like everything is going to be okay doesn't mean that it is going to end up that way. In the long run, you have many battles ahead - and I'm signing up for them. I want to stand next to you and hold your hand while you fight through them, just as you will help me fight my demons.