It's so hard to not give up. It's just the easy option -- giving up. It's all I've wanted to do for years. It's a slingshot of emotion. It's overwhelming. Where does that emotion go? It has to go somewhere. What happens when the only thing you can channel that energy on is the thing that brought you to the emotion in the first place?
Minecraft has been my safe-haven for at least a year now. I leave the real world. The real world that is cruel, un-holy, unforgiving. That world that is such a downer in every sense of the word. I leave that world. And I enter one of block-y proportions. A world in which the inhabitants are forgiving, friendly, understanding. The kind of people who enjoy your company, and do not judge. That was the kind of world I dropped into last February when I found CabooseCraft. It was the kind of community that I needed. I was searching so long for my niche that I could just dig into and feel accepted. and I found it. Caboose had a way of making me feel like everything was going to be okay. Something that I'm lacking nowadays. I dont know if things are going to be okay, or what's going to happen tomorrow. That type of insecurity lingers everytime I wake up, and stays overnight.
There is only one inevitable truth: Music is the only thing I can rely on. In a time of dire need, I found "Keep Your Head Up" by Ben Howard.
Keep your head up
Keep your heart strong.
Keep your mind set,
Keep your head open.
That dire need was the passing of my grandma. One of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my entire life. I think if the world lived like she did, the world would be a utopia. She was always thankful for everything. She never had a single bad thing to say about anyone. She loved her family, her friends. The people she surrounded herself with. She kept her house as tidy as the day she bought it, 50+ years ago. She was the hardest worker I have ever known. She fought for everything she had in life. Even on her last day, she fought death in order to see me one last time.
When the depression tries to swallow me whole, I think about her, and how weak I must be to let my thoughts get in the way of my actions. To let my thoughts get in the way of my ability to live life. If I could switch places with her, and let her live over again, I would. I feel like I am just wasting life sitting here, being consumed by this depression.
I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who would understand me in a way that only this blog could understand me. Someone I wasn't afraid to tell everything to. Someone who would unbiasedly listen to everything I'm thinking and still look me in the eye and tell me things are going to be okay. Someone who wasn't caught up in every day life. But, I don't. I'm stuck here. Laying in my bed, weeping, typing out my feelings in hopes that maybe this will help me clear my head so I can properly sleep at least three hours tonight.
Maybe one day I'll be able to conquer my issues. Maybe one day I'll find that perfect person who will accept me for all my issues, whether they're dormant or not. Maybe I'll finally find that prince charming. Not the fake one. The one who I thought could have saved me from my problems like a castle.
Or maybe not. Who even gives a flying fuck anyway?
