Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?
It seems that everyone else has gone back to normal, but I'm still here, having to adjust to a "new normal" - a normal I didn't ask for. I didn't ask to be alone all the time. I didn't ask to be raped, and deal with suddenly not having a best friend. Maybe I didn't work as hard as I could at the job I had, so maybe I deserved to get let go. But getting back up on the horse is proving to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined it to be. Floundering around, like a fish out of water.
I never wanted my life to be like this, I never wanted any of this. I wanted my life the way it was. I guess I'm mourning the loss of that life. The life where I actually felt successful. I was drowning in a different way. I was drowning in the work I couldn't adequately do. But at least I was happy. At least I had a purpose.
I don't have a purpose anymore. I don't have anything. I don't have a goal to work towards. There is no goal at Target. The only goal is to eventually leave. I don't want to do this forever. I don't want to be in retail forever. I sat through five years of educational hell to better myself, not make $9.50 working part-time doing the worst job ever. A job that requires you to be in six places at once. I'm only one person. I can only run so fast.
I am glad that at least I have a job now. But I wanted that "dream job". I wanted this job to be the one that I have for years. I'm sick of interviewing around, only being at a place for months. I want to find that place that I just fit in. That it works, and I don't feel alienated.
I need to nail down what I want to do in life. But I have no idea where to start. Maybe someday I'll have an epiphany.
Hopeful thinking never hurt anyone, I suppose.
