I will be the first one to admit -- I fell in love with this boy named Ian.
Before you assume the worst, it wasn't like that. I don't believe in love-love, and I'll explain myself as this post continues on.
I fell in love with the way that he made me feel okay with myself, like there was no reason to hate myself. I fell in love with the way he made me feel like there was a reason I was alive, and if I killed myself, the world would actually miss me. I fell in love with the way he treated me, like an equal, like I wasn't defective. I fell in love with the security that our friendship brought to my life. I fell in love with the way that he was always there for me, when I was breaking down. I fell in love with the knowledge that if I slipped and fell, he'd be there to try and catch me before I fell into pieces.
And all of a sudden, he was nowhere to be found. I lost more than an admin on my minecraft server. I lost my best friend. I lost the only one who was keeping me upright. Without him, I'm tumbling, and falling, and I don't know what to do. It's like falling into a well, trying to grasp for a brick that's jetting out from the sides, hoping that the foundation is uneven enough to have at least a little bit of something to get your grubby hands on. But, alas, the well is still nicely built, foundation hasn't decided to crumble yet, and you just paw the wall as you tumble into the darkness, unsure of what's at the bottom.
I want things to be the way they used to be. But there's something that's different. Our friendship isn't what it used to be, there's something missing. Maybe I'm afraid to open myself up like I used to. He's just another internet friend, not a person that I feel could be sitting in the room with me. We can't talk without getting into arguments or upsetting one another. I can't say anything without hitting a nerve with him, and he can't say anything to me without making me want to run away. It's not the way it used to be, and I have to admit, I don't know what to do without him. It's driving me insane, like, clinically insane, that I don't have the support system that I had before things were turned upside down.
I just want him and I to be unconditionally friends like we used to be. I can see that he's making the effort to be my friend, so I have to deduct that I'm the reason that our relationship hasn't mended itself. Just another reason that I'm obviously defective. I'm not good at being anyone's anything. I'm legitimately the worst girlfriend in the entire world (ask Sam or Dave, they'll give you RAVING reviews of how I fucked up their world), I'm a no good friend, since I have the worst trust issues in the entire world ever. I'm apparently the most disappointing child anyone could ever bother to spawn. I am just an all around awful individual.
I have this feeling. This overwhelming feeling like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Everyone I fall in love with, whether it be in the love-love type of way, or the friend type of way, eventually leaves. I am losing everyone I ever felt close to. And I don't know what to do. I keep hoping and praying that once I come to terms with being alone, and not being afraid of the loneliness that everything will just fix itself.
I haven't had anyone stable in my life in a really really long time. I don't know how to keep friends, and I don't know how to deal with people who actually take the time to try to be my friend. When someone puts effort into staying in my life, I legitimately do not know how to process the information. It's like entering a string for visual basic wrong, I just end up in a circle that I can't get out of.
I don't believe in love. I think it's a fairytale, and doesn't actually exist. I think it's bullshit to believe in this world inhabited by 6 billion+ people, there's someone walking the world who is the missing puzzle piece to your life, and you're just magically going to meet them. I think it's complete and udder bullshit to believe that there is a prince charming. I've already talked about this some, but after the shittiest month a girl could ever possibly have, I have come to a complete and final solution, I do not believe in love, and I don't think I ever will. I do not believe there is someone in the world who understands me well enough to be with me, I do not believe there is a boy walking the earth that could finish my sentences. I do not believe there is anyone on this earth who I could possibly make happy, because, lets be honest, I'm one of the biggest fuck ups in the entire world; who could ever love me.
I am not the kind of girl boys fall in love with.
