It's that time of year again; the time of year when people write social media posts reflecting on their year - the good, the bad and the ugly. Unfortunately for me, 2018 has been a slow burn of awful, and I can't wait to see this year go away forever.
This was the year of inappropriate comments. "If I had a million dollars, I'd promote your coworkers to managers and hire a marketing manager because I don't think you can do it." "Do me a favor, at your next job, keep your depression to yourself." "We think you're suicidal." "You got what you deserved, you petulant child."
Words truly hurt more than anything else in this world. You can heal from broken bones, broken hearts, lacerations, etc. Words tend to sneak up into the folds of your brain and hide away, only peeking when they know you're at your weakest, most vulnerable stage.
I've been at this new job for six months, and in six months, my life has done nothing but stabilize. A boss that I truly loved gave her resignation and I'm facing being literally the only one on the payroll. Being overworked and underpaid, yet again. The six months before that, I suffered extreme emotional abuse from people that I trusted. The individuals who I thought were my friends, even after I chose to be brave and leave no longer want to have conversations and hang out with me. There's not a friendly face in sight where I once called home. Loyalties are often not as strong as they seem.
I can't say I didn't see it coming. I can't say I didn't see my name getting rubbed in the dirt, even after I was assured it wouldn't. I can't say that I didn't expect to be talked about, laughed about and overall disrespected when I'm not able to stand up for myself. The M.O. of the place I called home is only loyal as long as you are there.
Unfortunately, it breeds from the top down, infecting the world around it. You don't realize how truly ugly it is until you're so deeply intertwined, unable to escape without harming yourself. A sociopathic run organization is dangerous. The mass public is unaware of how heartless the leaders are to those willing to help them. They only see the "greater good". Nothing will change until the top changes, but how many people will be hurt and damaged before that happens?
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Monday, August 6, 2018
A Sole Adventurer
It's been a whole week since I've started this new adventure and I can officially say that I feel very alone. My last place of employment was truly my home; where my heart could finally be happy. I had a group of people I could call my friends - laugh with, complain with, etc. Now, I am stuck in a cubicle in the middle of a convention center, in the middle of a busy city with nobody to call home.
I get up before the sun rises, to a home that I bought in hopes to share it with friends, family, and anyone who would be willing to spend time with me. My father doesn't want to spend time there - simply doing the tasks I ask him to do and leaving. He's wrapped up in his world, and won't give the time of day to me or my mother. He's become very selfish with his time and rude to anyone who asks for it.
I spend my commute wishing that I was driving to a place that had laughter, happiness, and smiles. It only takes 13 minutes to get into the city, but the entire time I wish I was going the other way. I'm dressed like an adult and miss my jeans every working day. I drive into the parking garage, flash the card that opens the gate and continue in. I walk across the pedestrian bridge and into the convention center, all the while not seeing another person. I spend the majority of my day alone, staring at two screens as I schedule Facebook posts, complete the daily Sudoku in the paper, and wishing there were kittens here for me to pet.
I don't know what this world has in store for me, but I do know that I don't think I will be at this place of employment very long. Making a difference is what I wanted to do with my life, and I can't make any difference from a cubicle, besides prettying up the workspace to complement the grey walls that are surrounding me.
I think I will feel better about this decision I've made in a few months. Maybe I'll get a sign from a God above to help me feel better about it. Right now, I'm just working through the grieving process. I'm grieving for the career I could have had, and the fact that it was ripped out of my hands. I'm grieving for the friends I had to leave behind and the difference I could have made. I'm grieving knowing that I had a future in animal welfare, and one awful person ruined it for me.
For the unforeseeable future, I am the sole adventurer - hoping and praying another sole adventure crosses my path.
I get up before the sun rises, to a home that I bought in hopes to share it with friends, family, and anyone who would be willing to spend time with me. My father doesn't want to spend time there - simply doing the tasks I ask him to do and leaving. He's wrapped up in his world, and won't give the time of day to me or my mother. He's become very selfish with his time and rude to anyone who asks for it.
I spend my commute wishing that I was driving to a place that had laughter, happiness, and smiles. It only takes 13 minutes to get into the city, but the entire time I wish I was going the other way. I'm dressed like an adult and miss my jeans every working day. I drive into the parking garage, flash the card that opens the gate and continue in. I walk across the pedestrian bridge and into the convention center, all the while not seeing another person. I spend the majority of my day alone, staring at two screens as I schedule Facebook posts, complete the daily Sudoku in the paper, and wishing there were kittens here for me to pet.
I don't know what this world has in store for me, but I do know that I don't think I will be at this place of employment very long. Making a difference is what I wanted to do with my life, and I can't make any difference from a cubicle, besides prettying up the workspace to complement the grey walls that are surrounding me.
I think I will feel better about this decision I've made in a few months. Maybe I'll get a sign from a God above to help me feel better about it. Right now, I'm just working through the grieving process. I'm grieving for the career I could have had, and the fact that it was ripped out of my hands. I'm grieving for the friends I had to leave behind and the difference I could have made. I'm grieving knowing that I had a future in animal welfare, and one awful person ruined it for me.
For the unforeseeable future, I am the sole adventurer - hoping and praying another sole adventure crosses my path.
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