Is that beat, beat, beating in your chest gonna make you move?

I have been so stressed out lately. No matter what it is, some aspect of my life has just died. And in the process of dying, it's killing me. This server thing was a bad idea. I know it was a bad idea by the lack of sleep i'm getting as well as how fast I'm getting aggravated. In the back of my mind, I should have known better. I should have known that immense amount of stress was going to come from this server. I should have seen it. I watched Caboose go through this, and I saw him suffer from the stress. I saw him wither away from this game that he used to love so much. I saw him give up that server and walk away. I saw him never come back. That's all I want to do. I want to give it up, and walk away.

This is entirely way too much for me to handle. I'm sick of people. I've never liked people. Not really. I've always liked being alone. I would never be upset to go a day without saying a word to anyone. Deep down, I think I know that. I know I can never make everybody happy. I try to justify my actions but it just doesn't work anymore. No matter what I do, when confronted about it, I always realize there's never really a reason for anything. For someone who is looking for answers, telling them that there isn't a reason for any action is not an acceptable answer. But there's nothing else I can ever say. Because I'm not about to make up answers. Nobody deserves lies. Especially the few people that I care about.

I get put in this spot where I can't even recognize myself anymore. I look in the mirror, and I don't know who I am. I've lost myself. I thought I knew who I was so well. I thought I was in a place where I couldn't lose myself. Apparently I was wrong. If I lied to myself about that, how many other things have I lied to myself upon? Am I continuously lying to myself without actually realizing it? When am I consciously going to make the decision not to lie to myself anymore? And even when I make that decision, can I really trust myself enough to hold myself to it? There's all these questions of self doubt I thought I grew past. These times of self-loss make me realize that I never really knew myself to begin with. This person I was so stuck on being obviously never existed, seeing as I've lost her so fast.

With all these questions going through my head, how am I supposed to focus on anything? Everything is a blur.

I just want to stop. I want everything to stop. I just want to be Lnze. I want to just find myself again.

I've heard it all before.

Just between you and me, you were my first love. Something about the way you used to talk with me, not at me. Nobody has ever really looked at me. Only through me. You were different than everyone else in this fucked up world. The way you said you loved me gave me butterflies and stopped my heart. But how can someone actually love ME? Nobody has ever loved me before.

When we first started out, I wasn't ready to be with you. They say nobody can ever really love you if you can't eve love yourself. I still don't love myself, but I'm hell of a lot closer than I was before I met you.

How did we end up here? A place I never wanted to be. A place I never thought we would be. The crossroads. I still love you more than I love myself. I'll probably always love you more than I love myself. You saw a princess when everyone else just saw a monster. I want to be with you because I really, truly believe that we can exist together. But I'm not sure I can stay here, because it's foolish. It's not healthy to stay where we're standing right now.

How can the person who swept you off your feet suddenly morph into something completely different and just drop you without thinking twice? Where did we go wrong? How did we go from honeymoon to heartbreak so fast? A month a go, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. You were perfect to me. But then something within you changed. Something died within you. You became heartless, swinging your fist at anything that was foolish enough to get remotely close to you. You became overcome with these emotions that I just wanted to get rid of.

But I couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I had to accept that this was your battle. And I'm the only casualty. So, I suited for battle and ran full force in.

I don't do relationships well. I find I'm a loner. I enjoy solitude, and think it's weird when someone approaches me and willingly wants to get close to me. I usually pretend to get to know them and wait until they leave. But you never left. I doubt you'll ever leave. You won't leave until your heart is broken. I can't bear to break your heart.

We always say that we're we're going to find a solution. If something is a problem, there's bound to be a solution. But we have yet to find an answer to this conflict that is tearing us apart. Do we accept our fate, or do we suit up for battle and attack fate? I don't know how to fight anymore. Everytime I try to, I end up fighting you. Shouldn't we be on the same team?

I've been faced with these crossroads. To leave, or not to leave. To break my own heart, or have you break it for me? I can't bear to leave my best friend. The boy that I fell in love with. The one who made me smile. The one who dared to get close when nobody else dared to. But I'm no longer happy with what we have. I don't think you're happy with how we've been living for the past month either. I know that I am the only thing that makes you happy. I couldn't bear to suck the happiness from your life. I'm not heartless. That little voice in my head is telling me that I should leave. That it would be best for me if I just started walking. But I can't. I'm too loyal to the ones that deserve it. And you deserve it more than anyone in my entire life. So, after standing up and trying to find the nerve to start walking, I sit back down.

We need to come to a solution soon. Something that is going to be good for both of us. Something that won't hold guilt over either of our heads. Something that will bring smiles to both our faces, because we both deserve to be happy. The foolish girl typing this just wants to be happy with you. The one she thought she was supposed to be with before a monster swept him away.

I love you. More than the stars, more than the sun. More than music and life itself. I love you more than I could ever possibly love myself. Maybe its a toxic love that's going to poison me. But, I'll never stop loving you. Even when I'm dead, I'll be laying there, still head over heels in love with you.

Lowest of lows.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out and curb stomped.
Knowing that you think you have to do this alone is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I don't know if I can cry anymore than I have in the past 48 hours,
but the tears just keep coming down my cheeks.

I have always felt alone in life, like nobody could ever understand anything I was going through.
It was like I was speaking a different fluent French in a room if english speaking people.
Everyone just looked at me like I was the weird girl. The one with all the problems.

But then I met you, and somehow I knew you were different.
You made me feel human. Like I wasn't speaking a different language.
Things were different when I was around you.

The movies always talk about how you know the person is "the one".
I knew you were it the moment I started talking to you.

I'm not going to let you leave. I'm not going to let go.
I know you're going through hell right now.
But I'm going to walk through hell by your side.

I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't know if I can be alone anymore.
I have to have you. I'm not myself without you.

I feel like my heart has been punched out of my chest.
I don't even feel anymore.

Good god, it's April.

It's been quite some time since I've written here, but I assure you that I will not stop writing here. It's obviously gotten really sporadic, but tonight, I have a lot of my mind. I always have a lot on my mind. I usually write to my tumblr, but I'm thinking this is the most appropriate place for this very long, very detailed account of the year thus far. Well, maybe not the entire year, but definitely what is going through my mind now, and what's been happening lately.

I'm unaware if I owe anyone any kind of apology. And, to be honest, I'm having a really hard time putting into words what's been happening to me lately. Society today has a social stigma on internet friends. I've always loved internet friends. I was always really into the idea of meeting people outside of my little bubble. The hometown I grew up in was 100% lame and boring, so I sought interesting and new things, which I used the internet for. As much as I loved internet friends, they used to get me into trouble. I'm sure we're all quite aware of Zac Foster, and the shenanigan that happened with that lovely boy. Regardless, this wonderful game named Minecraft has come into the picture. I should have written something about this wonderful game earlier, since I stayed up all night in late December watching this kids let's play of it. This kid is a very large, very important part of the puzzle. Remember him. Anyway, since late February, I've been playing the blocky goodness that is Minecraft multiplayer style. Multiplayer style with the kid I mentioned. I am currently still unaware with how I met said kid, Caboose. I'm 100% incapable of telling you the components that make up our relationship with one another. I can tell you that he has become one of the most important pieces to my life recently. Recently being within the last month. But, regardless, through his multiplayer server, I have met dozens of people. Dozens of absolutely wonderful people, one other very important piece to the puzzle: Chase James.

Recently though, I've found myself hiding more and more on my computer, and doing less and less online. This really really really scares me. I don't want to be a hermit. I want to have a life. I want to have a beautiful, colorful life, and all I can see that is standing in my way is Minecraft multiplayer. So, you say to me, "That's an easy fix, Lnze. Just don't play Minecraft." and I say to you, anonymous reader, "That is easier said than done, for I'm 94% addicted to this blocky goodness." Do you know how I know I'm addicted? The only way I feel human anymore is if I'm holding a conversation with Caboose or Chase or, if I'm playing Minecraft.

Lately, I've been feeling like my world is collapsing and crumbling. I feel like I can see it crumbling right before my brown eyes. In fact, I had a mental breakdown on Saturday night, as I was talking to the second really important piece to my puzzle, Chase.I don't now how I can possibly feel so strongly towards people I've never met in person. I don't know how it's possible to feel like we were meant to meet, but I do. Chase makes me feel like I'm going to be okay. But, as I was talking to him, crying my eyes out, he told me five very important words: "It'll be okay, I promise." And instantly, the rain clouds in my mind dried up. I don't know how I can feel such comfort from someone I've never even shook hands with, but I do. And that is where that social stigma comes back into play. Because I have these connections with people I've never met in my entire life, I'm fighting a battle with society who is made to believe that internet friends are alright, but you're never supposed to get close to them. And because of that, I feel like there is something really, really wrong with me. The fact that if Caboose were to Skype me right now, telling me he needed me ASAP, right now, at 4am, I would get in my car and drive to New Jersey to be with him. I would drive 9+ however many hours it would take.

Those reasons and those feelings are why I react so poorly to joking comments about having internet friends. Joking comments about spending more time with my internet friends than my real life friends. Because I think I almost love my internet friends more than I love my real life friends. Sometimes it's a matter of not knowing what it's like until you've been through it. So, let me explain it to you.

In life, I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm trying to be a wonderful friend to whomever considers me a friend, and I'm trying to be there for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to be the most successful person I can be, what that means, I'm not sure. But, there are a lot of times when life shoots me down. When the people that are physically close to me shoot me down, and aren't there to console me while I'm lying down. When those times happen, Minecraft is always there. When I feel like shit, and I feel like nobody wants me around, I log onto Caboose's server, and instantly, there are 7-10 people who greet me with a smile, and are genuinely glad I exist. The feeling of being reminded that someone cares about you is indescribable. On weekend nights, when I'm Skype-calling Caboose, he doesn't know of my mistakes. At the end of the day, and at the end of our call, he's always going to tell me he loves me. He's not concerned with my flaws, because we've both established we're human and have our flaws. Chase doesn't give a shit that I've fucked up a friendship, and forgotten to turn a library book in. He and I are friends because we've got so much in common. We share the same type of sense of humor, and we have common interests. At the end of the day, he'll still tell me that everything is going to be okay, regardless. There's no judgement whatsoever between us. In the real world, I find it hard to find someone who isn't going to instantly judge you.

I think, in a way, internet friends are almost the purest kind of friend. If you can bond with someone without being around them, there's a different kind of bond there. We can go into the "what if they're lying to you?" debate if you want. And, you know, I'm going to go into that debate. I'm going to just use Caboose and Chase as my examples. My internet friend relationships are different than most. Since I am involved in the Let's Play YouTube community, I do watch videos from people, and Caboose and Chase both make videos. I'm also friends with Caboose on Facebook. Chase and I have had Skype calls. I know what they both look like, and they know what I look like. They both know that I'm legit. I'm a genuine person, and I want to be their friend, and I know that they're not lying either. So, Mr. Debationist, I would have to tell you that you just lost this debate.

So, needless to say, the two very large, very important pieces to my puzzle have been the reason that I am currently still alive, typing this to you. It may be a stretch to say this, but I'm going to anyway. Within the last three months, Caboose has seriously saved my life. I owe him more than he could ever know. And even if we never meet in person, he should probably know that I will love him forever. I am so grateful for his existence. I'm just so fucking glad that both he and Chase are in my life, for the time being, and hopefully for some time to come.

----

Stay classy,
Lnze K

DJ, turn it up.

I feel weird writing here. It's like an old friend I'm trying to say hello to. But I don't have anywhere else to write, or anywhere else to go. I deleted my facebook yesterday. It feels so weird to not have it. I've barely spent any time on my computer, and I feel really out of touch with people. You know why I deleted it? No? Well I'm going to tell you anyway.

It all started when Tyler from WiiRikeToPray on YouTube deleted his Facebook. I've been following him on Formspring for quite some time because I think he's so witty with his responses. So, anyway. He deleted his Facebook maybe a month ago? And I thought that took real balls to do. I've had my Facebook since I was a freshman in high school and it was invite only. It's gotten me into plenty of trouble, and I've spent more hours on Facebook than I can even count.

So, I deleted it. It was completely random, and I honestly can't believe I haven't gone back yet. I'm going to try to go at least until I go back to school. Even after I go back to school, I want to see if I can do better in school with one less distraction.