I've been doing my own thing for long enough - five years at least. All I've known since I've been considered a young professional is how to take care of myself - I haven't had the distraction of other people in my life, because after my last relationship, the idea of being around anyone for multiple days each week & having someone in my space was entirely too much for me to handle and it overwhelmed and swallowed me whole.
Tell me why my entire brain chemistry has been suddenly altered? Why all of a sudden my brain gets foggy and all I can think about is this one person - I want to spend more time than there is in the day, I'm willing to throw down everything to just lay there next to him. To have him put his arms around me, kiss me in the dark. To be asleep in the middle of the night, roll over and have him bring me close for 5 minutes before he overheats and has to rotate away from me. Those 5 minutes are the minutes I want to live in. Do I want to call it love? Honestly, I'm scared to because I know it's not love to him yet. But I hope maybe someday it will be. It's an investment I'm making right now to this boy who I've known for three weeks - I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. Would I fling myself off a fucking bridge if I knew it would get you one step closer to considering me your girlfriend? Yeah, I absolutely would. Have I already thought about how I would let you move into my house with me when your lease is over? Yeah, I have - and I would. Have I thought about how I'd marry you if you asked but I know you'd never ask me? Yeah, I have.
My brain continually goes back to all of the things you have done for me in these three weeks. I've never met someone who cares for me the way you do. Folding my clothes after I take them off. Carrying my stuff inside when you meet me from my car. Walking me back out to my car. Going to get my work laptop from my car at 6am after I mention I need to get it AND making me coffee. Tucking me in the first time I spent the night.
It's bonkers - my brain knows that it's bonkers but there are three brain cells in there that are manning the ship, sailing it back to Clifton every chance I get to lay in his bed in an apartment with no furniture, bad circulation, and loud neighbors. I am fully aware of how chronically insane it is to fall this hard and this fast for someone you've known less than 3 weeks, but he's been on my mind more in these three weeks than my soulmate cat, Rosie, has been. I think about him when I wake up, as I'm driving into work, as I'm sitting at work - as I'm leaving, hoping we can spend time together before I migrate up north. Everything about this is triggering my anxious attachment style beyond repair. But I tell myself that this is a learning experience for me - his avoidant attachment and my anxious attachment can work, but it will take work and a conversation that hasn't been broached yet.
His avoidant attachment triggers when I text him too much - he tells me he "may never have a significant other because of how stressful it is." I thought it was going to implode that day - it made me nauseous beyond belief. How can you only be in my life for 18 days and have me that sick to my stomach thinking about you not being here anymore? I'm learning that giving people space doesn't mean they'll take it and run away forever. I'm learning that I have to voice my anxious tendencies so they know how I'm feeling - I need to advocate for myself.
I was in the middle of writing this to sort out my feelings but the man said he feels comfortable coming over to my house for the weekend and now I am smiling too much and distracted, so I guess I'll update this when I remember.
Or I'll just come back to it in three years and have no idea who I'm talking about because I didn't put his name in this entry.
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