I've spent too much time in a place I don't belong.

To whom it may concern,

I've actually thought about dying more in the last month than I have in a very long time. Maybe it's my brain becoming unstable again, my medications wearing off, or any other reason under the sun.

Throughout it all, there's been an oasis to keep my joy. A place that I can always rely on to bring a smile to my face. It sounds stupid when I say it out loud type it out, but the Butthole Brigade has truly kept me alive. It really does seem dumb, but that little discord server has done everything a therapist should have done.

I feel like my life revolves around 12AM GMT. The time when we're all available to talk. I tell my brain to just hold out until then. The reward is an hour or two of forgetting the circle of hell that I'm in. To watch Charlie walk with confidence in Fortnite, watch Omeyn build something stupid in Minecraft, or watch Andy make another dumb meme in Photoshop.

It's crazy how someone you've never met can give you such a new viewpoint on life. I truly feel like we were all meant to be friends. I thought our friendship was one sided. It wasn't until Wednesday that I realized it wasn't. Charlie telling me to eat something and go to sleep when it's 5am is just an example of the kind of support that I wish I had in real life. I wish I had a friend who actually cared about my wellbeing, but unfortunately, I live in a world where nobody cares whether I'm dead or alive.

I've lived in a world for two years where there hasn't been much of a cloud of happiness. In fact, before I met Charlie, Fred, Krista & Andy, I didn't even have a reliable internet friend. I haven't had a reliable internet friend for a very long time. Who would have thought it would be a kid with the minecraft name Noose_Please?

It's very rare that you truly connect with someone on the internet, and it lasts for more than a month. I feel very vulnerable in this state. I've told these strangers on the internet more about me than most of the people in my actual real life. It's this reason that I am so defensive about this stupid little Discord server. It's my one safe haven in a place of toxicity. That toxicity is something I don't want to infiltrate the only place I find solace. I've said it multiple times and I stand by it: that Discord is a safe place. A safe place to be yourself, to express what's wrong and get the support that everyone needs.

Nothing lasts forever, and I'm not blind. I know that eventually we'll all fall apart and I'll be back on my own. Reverting back to that state is going to take an adjustment period. A mourning period. Mourning of the company that I used to have. But for the time being, yes, I am alive because of my internet friends.

Sincerely,
Someone trying not to drown