It's very clear that I've been struggling with the ability to be okay for at least a decade. I've had my mountains to climb and valleys to fall into, but at the end of the day, I'm still alive. I have waited more than 10 years for someone to reach their hand out and pull me out of the ocean, as I'm struggling to stay afloat.
It's pretty obvious that nobody is coming to save me. It's pretty obvious that I am the hero of this story; even if I'm the worst hero the world has ever known. A hero who can't even save themself let alone an entire world.
Just because nobody will save me doesn't
limit my ability to save someone else.
I don't think anyone else should have to struggle and walk the dangerous road alone when it comes to mental health. I don't believe mental health should be a topic swept under the rug. I think more of us are struggling than we'd like to admit. And to struggle alone; to be that strong for so long... that's a battle that nobody has to fight.
There have been no consistencies in my life in the last ten years except for my battle for life and my journey to feel okay. There have been #trendingtopics, but nothing that has stayed the same throughout my life. I think the most prevalent topic that has stayed the same is my need for internet friends. Some people don't view internet friends as "real friends" because they'll never see them, never meet them, never shake their hands. I call absolute bullshit on that.
At one point in time, I never thought I would live to see the ripe old age of 25. When I was in high school I thought I would have absolutely off-ed myself before 25. I owe my life to an internet friend I met a long time ago. I would have never thought that when C8H10N4O2 joined JuiceCraft, that he would be the one to keep me alive, many years later.
I've had many groups of internet friends in the last ten years - mostly surrounding Minecraft, but also in other places and melding together into one weird batch of humans that understand me. Most of them fade away, but a few have been there from the very beginning. One, I've known since 2012. He's been with me through everything. The ups, the downs, the heartbreak, the loss of wanting to live. He's been there through it all, and I don't know about you - but support is support, no matter where it comes from.
Some have faded from my life, but there are still strings of contact. Thinking back to them, I can tell you with certainty that I miss them all. I miss the early days of Minecraft; joining a creative server and making some of the greatest friends I've ever known. No matter where Caboose478 ends up in life, I thank him for showing me the joy that internet friends can be. Through that server is how I met Sam, the first person to show me unconditional love and support. Sometimes people ask the question:
"How can you fall in love with someone you've never met before?"
Easy - you fall in love with the way they make you feel. You fall in love with the time you spend with them. You fall in love with the part of your life that they are now part of. Sam and I had a pretty toxic relationship towards the end, and it was so long ago that I don't truly remember it, but what I do remember is that he taught me that I am worthy of love; I am worthy of being something to someone.
I've had so many groups of friends in the last seven years; some stay with you for a long time, and others slowly disappear into the ether, never to be heard from again. It's understandable - the number of real-life friends that I used to have compared to the friends I have now is substantially smaller than I could have ever imagined. But they still change who you are as a person. Regardless of how long they're in your life, you'll still learn something from them. I believe that nobody comes into your life and changes you for "the worse". I think that even the people who are toxic can teach you what kind of person you DON'T want to be.
I forgot that this blog existed and that I've been writing in it for 10 years. That's more of a commitment than I can make to a person, a situation, a job. I haven't written in it all year because this has been a really weird year. A year of solitude, a year of living - but not thriving. My depression is back down in a valley and being alone makes that valley even steeper. I've managed to avoid any kind of heartbreak this year, but only because I never volunteered myself into a situation where I could get hurt. After Jake lulled me into a false sense of security, made me believe that soul mates existed and then crushed my every being again, I just don't have it in me to do anything like that again.
I've only known the current group of internet friends for roughly a month and they have brought joy back into my life that I didn't know was possible. For a quick minute every evening I forget that my brain is trying to pull tricks on me. I forget that my brain is trying to freak out for no reason; fall into a pit of despair for the fun of it.
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