Lesser than thou

Somewhere, someone has convinced me that I am the lowest on the totem pole. I've been spending considerable time and energy the past three years correcting that assumption of myself.

Every relationship I have ever been in has been toxic. They've all done things to destroy the sense of self that I once had. Trying to be okay has been a reoccurring theme on this blog, and it will continue to be a theme as long as I am alive. While that could be a year, it could easily be 50+ years as well.

Joe broke everything I ever was without even thinking. He valued so many things over who I was as a person that he didn't think before he acted and as a result, broke my soul into the puzzle that lays before me. He was my best friend and someone I thought I was going to marry and spend forever with and then suddenly he was nothing and I was alone. The thing I hate the most is that I have to drag him with me where ever I go. While I may not think about it 24/7 anymore, every time I enter a new relationship he shows up, rearing his ugly fucking head, making his presence known.

Robbie. Oh, Robbie. I forgot his name for awhile since I've been referring to him as Computer Duster - or Dusty for short. Our relationship was short, but I learned so very much from him. As I was putting the pieces back together, he pushed the puzzle back off the table and onto the floor. The moment he hit me, he changed me. I realized that standing up for myself was a necessary evil in this world. There was nobody else there to protect me. That moment, I turned from the damsel in distress into the Princess who's willing to kick ass and take names. That moment, I swore I would never be hit by another person in my entire life. That was the moment I realized that I had to save myself from the castle and the dragon.

Christopher was blissfully ignorant. Sheltered and unaware, he didn't understand anything about the real world, as much as he pretended to. He was afraid to go to college, he was afraid to get a real job and he had never met a person in his life who battled General Anxiety Disorder or Depression. When he met me, he thought I was one of a kind and that all you had to do was be happy and the depression would magically disappear. He thought that it was something I could control. While I wasn't happy throughout that relationship, I was happy to see him go.

Finally, Bryan. Oh, Bryan. My not-a-boyfriend boyfriend. He copied my key without my knowledge. He spent more time in my apartment than I did. I thought I could fix him. I saw someone who had never been loved by anyone and my heart started to grow. He was a project that I should have never taken on, because I think he messed me up the most. This space that I am sitting in right now is the place that I call home. This is my safe place. It was my safe place until he came in and destroyed it all. Since that day, I have never spent a day in this apartment alone. I will never spend a day in this apartment alone as long as I live here.

It's time that I see myself as someone who deserves to sit in the throne. Someone who deserves to be at the top of the totem pole. I'm never going to depend upon any one else to help me feel like I deserve it. I can only really depend upon myself to get me there.